THE HOUND OF THE INGHAMVILLES

Friday, December 25th, 2009 | Uncategorized

Editor’s note – One of the things I always dreaded about this time of year was the sermons.  It always seemed to me that Christians, no matter where in the Body of Christ they happened to be, fell all over themselves to be profound, to try to say something Vitally ImportantTM which is always a dreadful thing for any writer to do.  It’s been 2,000 years, there is, as the writer of Ecclesiastes put it, “no new thing under the sun,” and everything worthwhile about Christmas has already been said by people way more interesting than me so instead of trying to say something Vitally ImportantTM about this day myself, I thought I’d just bring out the second part of this nonsense a couple days early and hope that your commemoration of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world is incredible.
 
Merry Christmas!
 
A “Chris Johnson, Anglican Investigator” blast from the past
 
Chapter One
 
Chapter Two – A Dog’s Life

The color drained out of Nicky’s face. “A hound,” I said in a very low voice.

“A giant hound,” Binky replied. “A small horse, according to the witnesses.”

“They all saw this?”

“Yes.”

“And they said nothing to anybody? They didn’t report it?”

“If you saw a giant, snarling, damn-near rabid hound the size of a horse, what would you tell the police?”

I stood up, walked over to the bar, made myself a Manhattan and began pacing around the office. Nicole sat frozen in her chair. “What happened after this…thing left? Did anyone hear a car or a truck pulling away?”

“No. Nothing at all. None of the neighbors noticed anything either.”

“Did anybody see any tracks?”

“They tell me they made a thorough search of the whole area. None were found.” Binky took a huge gulp of Cognac. “Those folks need you, Chris. They can’t pay you anything but they did spring for a couple of plane tickets.”

I caught Nicky’s eye as she slowly nodded. So much for my vacation. “Use ‘em, Binks. Both of you.”

“Why me?” Binky asked.

“Nicky’s going to need contacts. The two of you find out what you can. Get us a room at the Sheraton, Nick. Get one for Binky too and put it on the company tab.

“And take separate cabs from the airport or rent two cars. I don’t want to take any chances. I’ll join you in a couple of days.”

“Where are you going?” Nicole asked.

“Toronto. I have to see a woman about a dog.”

Next morning, I caught a flight to Toronto. Early that afternoon, I was sitting in Damian Penny’s, the seediest dive on Yonge Street, knocking back high-end Crown Royals as fast as the bartender could pour them.

A woman wearing sunglasses and dressed entirely in black came in, stared at me briefly and continued to a corner table. The crowd in the bar was stunned; all around me, I could hear people murmuring, “It’s her. My God, it’s her. Got a camera?”

I turned to the bartender and held up two fingers.  “Two more.”

“You…you…know her?” he asked in a whisper.

“For years and years.” Then I paid up with my usual excessively generous tip, took the drinks over to the woman’s table, handed her one and sat down. “Shaidle,” I said quietly.

“Johnson. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.” She sipped her drink and frowned. “Crown Royal? You couldn’t spring for a 18-year-old Glenmorangie? At least a Maker’s Mark, for crying out loud.”

I nodded toward a clock on the wall. “Canadian content, kid.”

“Damn Liberals.” She took another sip. “So what brings you to town?”

“New Westminster.” Shaidle didn’t say anything but I could tell she was suddenly very nervous. She stared intently into her whiskey, slowly rotating her glass, as I quickly laid out the case for her.

“A trained dog? Doesn’t sound like Ingham’s MO,” Kathy pensively said. “Doesn’t sound like him at all. Unless…”

“Unless what?

It took her a long time to get this out. “Ever heard the legend?”

“What legend?”

“The part of the Anglican Prayer Book that they don’t let the laity see.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard it. But I’m a private investigator. I deal in facts.”

“I know that. But the world’s a whole lot more complicated than you realize.” Shaidle drained her glass. “Be careful, will you? Ingham’s influence is everywhere these days. He practically owns the CBC.”

“You know me, kid. I’m always careful.” I downed the last of my Crown Royal. “Tell you what. I’ll let you give me a ride to the airport.”

“Love to but I can’t risk it. That’s how things are here.”

“I hear you. Tell Arnie hello for me.”

I took a cab to the airport and stood at the Air Canada counter. “Got any flights to Vancouver?” I asked the excited attendant.

“Yes sir, Mr. Johnson. We have a first-class seat on a direct flight that leaves in a few minutes. But we’ll waive security and hold the flight for you.”

“Got anything with a connection? I’ve got all kinds of time and I’d love to see some of your lovely country.”

Baffled, the woman consulted her computer. “Well, we’ve got one that stops in Regina but it’s coach, it doesn’t leave for another hour and the layover means you won’t get into Vancouver until this evening.”

“I’ll take it.”

After the plane landed at Regina, I bought myself a couple of Saskatchewan Roughriders T-shirts and a substantial bottle of Crown Royal, had some of Saskatchewan’s world-famous cuisine for dinner and got back on the plane, arriving at Vancouver about 6:30. As I walked through the spacious terminal toward baggage claim, a man approached.

It was Neale Adams, Mike Ingham’s publicity flack. “Mr. Johnson!” he exclaimed in a voice that couldn’t have been more fake if he was reading a script. “What a pleasant surprise!”

“What can I do for you, Neale?” I asked as the baggage arrived.

He seemed momentarily surprised that I recognized him. “What in the world are you doing in Vancouver?”

“A little vacation. I’ve never seen your lovely city before. You?”

“I live here. And I’m, uh, just back from an…Anglican communication directors conference. The one that was in Charleston.”

“South Carolina is beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It sure is. Where are you staying?”

“The downtown Sheraton.” I picked up my bag.

“Nice digs. I’ll be happy to give you a lift. It’s right on my way.”

“I appreciate it, Neale. But I’ve made other arrangements.”

“The car rental places are all that way.”

“Thanks a lot.”

I walked off in the direction Neale indicated. Then as soon as I was out of his sight(which wasn’t hard; Anglicans are easy to lose even if you’re not as good at this as I am), I headed down a side aisle, doubled back and left by an entrance at the other end of the airport. Did Neale really think I was that stupid?

Near the airport, I could see a row of hotels. I found a Quality Inn that had a vacancy, checked in and took a shower. Then I picked up the phone and dialed Nicky’s room at the Sheraton Wall Centre in downtown Vancouver. “Where are you?” she demanded.

“At a Motel 6 by the airport.”

“Damn it, Chris, you told me to get rooms here and I already got us…you’re at a Motel 6?”

Nicole was getting really good at this stuff, I proudly thought. “Yeah. You and Binky get over here as fast as you can. Room 123 and step on it.”

“Why?”

“The two of you were spotted. Ingham knows we’re here.”

Next week – Kibbles and Bits

20 Comments to THE HOUND OF THE INGHAMVILLES

Marie Blocher
December 25, 2009

Thank you Chris.
And have a Merry Christmas yourself.

Marie

midwestnorwegian
December 25, 2009

Chris – a very merry Christmas to you today. We are snowed-in up here in South Dakota with the worst snowstorm/blizzard in many years, so we have agreed to move Christmas to Sunday so we can spend Saturday digging out…if it stops by then. I think we’re sitting in about 8-10″ now with another 10-12″ predicted. Merry Christmas to you all we sure got a white one up here!

Bill (not IB)
December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas to all – may the blessings of Christ be with you on this joyous day! “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”

We’re having a wonderful, *rare* white Christmas here in Dallas – 3 inches of snow!

Peter C.
December 25, 2009

“και ο λογος σαρξ εγενετο και εσκηνωσεν εν ημιν…”
“et Verbum caro factum est et habitavit in nobis…”
“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us…”

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

May each and everyone of you have a blessed Feast of the Nativity.

Anonymous Anglican
December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas, Chris. Thank you for all you do, and all the crap you put up with from all of us strong-willed people endowed with a keyboard.

FW Ken
December 25, 2009

*rare* white Christmas here in Dallas

RARE?????

Bill (not IB). I’m nearly 58 and never seen this before. In ’71 or ’72, I came out of Midnight Mass and it was snowing, but all gone by morning. And we had an ice storm a few years ago. But never snow.

I wish I could insert a picture of my black Rottie in the back yard this morning.

:-)

And Merry Christmas!
Again!

Bill (not IB)
December 25, 2009

FW Ken,

Please understand – I’m a “furriner’ (transplant from Yankee territory, but I promise I’ve changed my ways….) and all those I had talked with in the past 16 hours are non-Native Texans; everyone seemed to know “someone” who had seen a Christmas snowfall here. I didn’t realize the full significance of this event until I got around to reading the newspaper about an hour ago – since weather records have been kept in DFW (1898) there has NEVER been a measurable Christmas Eve snowfall.

Christopher Johnson
December 25, 2009

We got a little snow here but we weren’t hit anywhere near as bad as other people seem to have been. Covered the ground a bit and that was pretty much it.

FW Ken
December 25, 2009

Bill – I have no problem with Yankees… heck, some of my best friends are Yankees…

But Dallas! Dude, you live in Dallas!

:-)

Peter C.
December 26, 2009

Come on, FW Ken, you know what they say about Dallas:

Fort Worth—where the West begins
Dallas—where the East fizzles out

I remember coming out of church one year around midnight and there was a light flurry of snow, but that was it until this year.

Paolo
December 26, 2009

May I ask you to pray a little for my parents? My mother died October 9, after a long struggle with cancer; she was 68 years old. A couple of days ago we discovered that also my father, who’s 71, has a widespread cancer attacking his bones. Both of them gave up their faith in the sixties.

May Christmas bring light to all of us. Thank you Chris and all other readers here, God bless you and your families.

Christopher Johnson
December 26, 2009

Will do, Paolo. I’m very sorry to hear about your mother.

obituary
December 26, 2009

As for Xmas snow. A few here sitting in Canada, yes Canada, in what is called the Golden Horseshoe of the western end of Lake Ontario are still staring out at rain and brown grass. Will it ever snow?

Bill (not IB)
December 26, 2009

FW Ken,

Does it help that I’ve never actually lived in the “City of Dallas” – I was formerly in Wylie, now Richardson?

Michael D
December 26, 2009

Snowy and cold here in Calgary – we left Inghamville for the holy-days. Went with family to a local liberal-leaning Anglican church, one of the largest and most beautiful in the city. It was just over half full. Meanwhile St. Johns Shaugnessy, which may be losing its building to Ingham & Co., is packed to the gills and turns people away from all three Christmas Eve services every year.

The sermon here in Calgary was focused on “what did you come here to see?” It started with a cheap jab at theologians who think that the baby was born for our salvation. Ended with the suggestion that we are all looking for a baby in a manger which means, among ather things, environmental conciousness (because the ox and ass were also at the stable, so we have to look after them.)

The prayers of the people were all focused on asking God to give us as individuals more spiritual stuff.

I’m missing my ACNA home parish, as you can tell.

Merry Christmas y’all. You guys in Dallas take comfort in the knowledge that the snow is an illusion, and cow-farts are actually making your city warmer each winter (bovi-centric global warming).

FW Ken
December 26, 2009

Paolo -

Prayers for your family, Paolo: might I suggest praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for your father? We used to sing a song from the scripture based on the Lord’s mercy:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning, new every morning:
Great is thy Faithfulness, O Lord,
Great is thy Faithfulness.

Bill in Ottawa
December 27, 2009

We hosted a trio of clergy for an Anglican Essentials conference a few years ago and Fr. Joe told us a story about his Christmas sermon struggles. As the story goes he was sitting at his desk trying to prepare a sermon that would be fresh and he couldn’t come up with anything. So, he phoned his mentor, then Bishop Terry Buckle of the Yukon and told of his problem and asked “How do I say something new in my sermon?” Bishop Terry was silent for a moment and then said, “So why do you need to say anything new?”

A few days later when he was opening up the hymn book and it opened immediately to “Tell Me the Old, Old Story”. At this point Fr. Joe said that he told God, “OK I think I got it” and his sermon was mostly readings from Scripture, with the minimum explanation possible.

Having heard Fr. Joe preach when I’ve had to be in his city on business, I’d have liked to have heard that sermon.

Lina
December 27, 2009

Down here in the Dominican Republic a nice tropical breeze is wafting through my apartment. We had rain on Wednesday and even the desert was green as I crossed it driving to two of the churches I serve. I can’t complain too much about the sermon. A lay reader was leading the service and when we arrived at sermon time I was informed that I was the preacher.
God came through.

Paolo
December 28, 2009

Thank you Chris, I didn’t imagine it’s so painful.

Father Ken, I’ll follow your suggestion, thank you. Remember my father in your prayers, because he’s really on the wrong track and sometimes he talk about suicide.

Christopher Johnson
December 28, 2009

I lost my mom in 1992. You eventually learn to live with it but it never really goes away.

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