AND NOW – FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Wednesday, May 14th, 2014 | Uncategorized

Dear Readers,

I’m going to keep a notice here at the top of the screen to let folks know they should be sure and scroll down to the “Help our Host” post. I can’t figure out how to get WordPress to put a specific post at the top of the list, and I know better than to experiment with unfamiliar software.

The “Help our Host” post has turned into a very, very good collection of jokes. Lots of readers have provided input, and this seems like a good chance to both amuse our editor and have some fun at the same time. So, I’m announcing the

    First Unofficial, MCJ Worldwide Humor Roundup and
    Metaphysico-Theologo-Cosmolonigological Challenge

The rules are simple – keep your jokes in good taste, and avoid profanity. There will be four official categories:

1) Light-bulb jokes
2) Knock-Knock jokes
3) Puns
4) General Humor

You can enter more than once, but please keep it reasonable – say an unofficial limit of 10 entries per person.

Winners will be decided by Your Humble Substitute Editor, and will have their names enshrined on the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying “Beware of the Leopard.” They will also win a seat on the first MCJ Adventure Trip and Pilgrimage to Stonehenge, whose guide and spiritual deviser will be Rowan Williams, official Druid (seriously!) and former Archbishop of Canterbury. The details of the trip will be released as soon as funding is received from the Domestic and Foreign Missionary Society of the Episcopal Church.

I think that Chris will get a kick out of the results of this contest; I know I’ve been delighted to see how many people have contributed, and the variety and quality of jokes has been great. Keep it up!

Bill (not IB)

86 Comments to AND NOW – FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Dale Matson
May 14, 2014

Pun spelled backwards is nup and a nup is a nup.

Katherine
May 14, 2014

Well, I don’t know any good jokes like the ones on that thread, but ‘pun my word, if you’re going to include word plays I might be able to join the game.

The only sad part is that Chris is going to have to go to the Webster Groves Public library to read the jokes, which might really cheer him up. Even more cheering might be what’s at PayPal, and if he’s the smart guy I think he is, he won’t see that until the aforementioned new laptop is up and running. I hope it’s a nice surprise.

Just Passing Through
May 14, 2014

Jesus was walking with his disciples and came upon the outside walls of a city. There was a large crowd gathered there, near the entrance. He noticed that several of them were picking up stones and shouting. After coming closer, he saw that there was a young woman lying on the ground; the crowd was about to stone her.

Quietly, he stepped between the woman and the crowd. He looked at them and said, “Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone!”

Out of nowhere, a rock flew through the air and hit the young woman right in the middle of her forehead. Jesus turned around quickly, in anger, and scanned the crowd. He said…

“Mother, you’re starting to tick me off!”

Gregg the Obscure
May 14, 2014

It’s very odd to see an MCJ reference to the archdruid that doesn’t include the adjective “broccoli-shaped”.

Fr Charles Threewit
May 14, 2014

How are grapes and elephants alike? They’re both purple —– except elephants.

Baillie
May 14, 2014

What has two Uppsy-Wuppsies,four Downsy-Wounsies, and a Swishy-Wishy?

Scott W.
May 14, 2014

Is there a limit to the number of entries. I remember a pun contest with unlimited entries, so I submitted ten of them thinking one would win, but no pun intended.

Dale Price
May 14, 2014

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were having an argument over whose order was better. Reaching an impasse, they agreed to submit it to God through prayer, seeking His guidance and input.

To their surprise, He answered quickly, and in writing:

“My Beloved Sons:

Please do not bicker over such things. I love you both equally and I could not possibly choose between the wonderful work of either of your orders.

Love,

God, O.P.”

FW Ken
May 14, 2014

This is for real, not a joke, but funny. Being a fat guy, I can tell it. We have a new officer who is, shall we say, substantial and she has a plaque on her wall:

There’s a skinny girl inside me trying to get out, but cookies usually shut her up.

Therese Z
May 14, 2014

The podiatrist walked into his exam room, and there was a moth waiting for him. “What can I do for you?” he asked in surprise.

The moth eagerly began, “You have no idea what I have been through. My job ended last year, and nobody will even look at my resume. My cheapass boss let us use such old software, my learning curve is too great for new employers. And my wife, the overspending old hag: she forgets I have no job and it’s new clothes and new shoes every week. And why? We never go anywhere, she says she feels too fat and she doesn’t get along with any of our friends anyway.

“My stupid drunk neighbor keeps backing his car up on my lawn, and lies about it, and his dog poops all over my driveway, which he thinks is hilarious. I come home and my back yard is a mess! Not that I can get any help around the house from my family – my lazy bum brother Leonard – he’s never around when I need him, but let dinner land on the table, and he’s got his big mitts in the bowl. What can I do? His wife keeps throwing him out because he’s a cheating SOB.

“Did I mention my daughter? Thankless little creep, put her through college and now she just gets tattoos and hangs around with losers. My son is no better……”
The podiatrist manages to stop him mid-sentence. “WAIT A MINUTE! Mr. Moth, I am so sorry that you are having these problems, but why on earth did you come and see me? I treat foot ailments.”

“Your light was on.”

Creedal Episcopalian
May 14, 2014

Then there was the Agnostic, Dyslexic, Insomniac.

Tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog.

unreconstructed rebel
May 14, 2014

Episcopalians are so open-minded, there is nothing up there but a draft.

CarolynP
May 14, 2014

So far it’s Scott W.

Maxine
May 14, 2014

So open minded that their brains fell out.

dwstroudmd+
May 14, 2014

From ST Louis to God’s ear, …

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/obamacare-contractor-pays-employees-nothing-211700255.html

(drum roll) tah – dah!

Beat that one!

Bill (not IB)
May 14, 2014

Scott W (and all) –

See the additional “new” note under the “rules” for entry restrictions.

Bill2
May 14, 2014

Heard this one on the radio:

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

Creedal Episcopalian
May 14, 2014

Ahem.

TEC Doctrine.

I am done here.

Steve
May 14, 2014

Hi,

This is not humorous but I just read in the Harvard Medical Review that there is a food that if you eat it just once you will be miserable for the rest of your life — wedding cake!

clifford
May 14, 2014

General Humor:

1) Do you know why Episcopalians never win at chess? The keep confusing their queens with their bishops.

2)There are only 10 kinds of people in the world – those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

clifford
May 14, 2014

General Humor:

(This was actually told to me by an Episcopal Bishop at a party) Do you know how to tell if you’ve pissed off a Unitarian? Someone’s burned a question mark on your lawn.

Light-Bulb and Pun Twofer:

What does a light bulb say when you turn it on? “Ohmmm…”

General Humor:

Joe Biden.

Jacob Morgan
May 14, 2014

A snail goes to a car dealership and offers to buy a car on one condition, that the dealership paints the letter S on the side of the car. When asked why, the snail says, that way when I drive people will say ‘look at that s car go.’

Baillie
May 14, 2014

Nobody knows. Nobody cares!

I shall go sulk.

tjmcmahon
May 14, 2014

Sorry Baille, we just all assumed the answer was House of Bishops.

DeeBee
May 14, 2014

No Haiku contest?
Can I do a Limerick?
No! Too many syl-

-lables. :-(

Whitestone
May 14, 2014

tjmcmahon – that was priceless!

DeeBee
May 14, 2014

(Cross-posted from the “Help our Host” thread.)

Okay. From the General Humor file, one of my son’s favorites . . .

“Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.”

FW Ken
May 14, 2014

You heard about the big haul of Marijuana the cops brought in. Really big. Anyway, they were talking about what to do with the weed, and finally decided to go and burn it in an old smelter out in the country. It was one of those with a tall smokestack. You’ve seen them. Anyway, while the Marijuana was burning, a flock of Black Terns flew overhead, and the next day headlines read…

wait for it

“No Tern was left unstoned.”

DeeBee
May 14, 2014

This one’s a bit more obscure . . .

“How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, two more to tell him that he’s using the wrong slide lube.”

Elaine S.
May 14, 2014

Here’s one of my favorites, told to me by a now-deceased priest who had traveled extensively in Europe:

In heaven, the police are British, the chefs are French, the artists, poets and lovers are Italian, and the Germans organize everything.

In hell, the police are French, the chefs are British, the artists/poets/lovers are German, and the Italians organize everything.

There’s also an Asian version of this joke which I saw posted at another blog:

Heaven: Chinese food, English home (big and spacious), Japanese wife, American salary.

Hell: English food, Japanese home (tiny), American wife, Chinese salary.

Elaine S.
May 14, 2014

And here’s a religious themed joke:

A monk joined an order with a strict vow of silence that allowed him to speak only two words, once a year. When the first year was up and he got his chance to speak, he said “Food cold.” The next year, he said “Bed lumpy.” The third year he said “I quit.” To which the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”

Maxine
May 14, 2014

BILL, who the heck is I.B.?

JM
May 14, 2014

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put music in front of him.

How do you know there’s a tenor at your front door? He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

Bill (not IB)
May 15, 2014

Maxine,

When I started commenting here, there was (and still is) a reader who posts as “IB Bill”. Since I’m a Bill as well, to differentiate I just went with Bill (not IB)

Sparky
May 15, 2014

General Humor: Sub-category Lawyers

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
One, if you put him through slowly.

Creedal Epicopalian
May 15, 2014

more musical in-jokes category

911 caller:

Help! my oboe player just swallowed his reed, and he’s choking to death!

911: calm down, we’ll send someone out right away
Caller: is there anything I can do in the meantime?
911: You could try a muted trumpet

Rod
May 15, 2014

I understand the trees just like hangin’ out with their friends, but I still will they’d quit pollen around!

Jacob Morgan
May 15, 2014

A fire breaks out at a lumber yard. The city fire department comes out but stops short of the fire, the fire is burning with intense heat and they won’t go close enough to fight it. Next the county fire department shows up but they too back away from the intense heat. Finally the volunteer fire department shows up in their dilapidated fire engine. They zoom right up to the fire and pile out, all the time saying “ouch, ouch, ouch.” They hose down the truck, they hose down each other, and then they hose down the fire. When it is out the owner of the lumberyard comes out and tells the volunteer department that he is going to give them a big donation to reward their bravery and asks what they will spend it on. They reply “we’re gonna fix those brakes.”

Therese Z
May 15, 2014

Sparky!! I didn’t think there was another lawyer joke out there!

Lakeland Two
May 15, 2014

That’s the first time I’ve heard that one, too, Sparky!

Oldie but goodie…

What’s the definition of ultimate waste? A bus full of lawyers going off the Golden Gate Bridge and one empty seat.

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 15, 2014

Religion and Lawyers general category please:

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I’ll show you around Heaven.”

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagant, but he was happy to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

“Was that God,” the priest asked, stunned by the display.

“Oh heavens no,” replied St. Peter. “That was a lawyer.”

“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?” The priest continued, “I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don’t understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion.”

“It isn’t what he did,” St. Peter replied. “You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he’s our first lawyer.”

Dave
May 15, 2014

Q: Why do they only use one egg in French recipes?
A: Because in French, one egg is an oeuf.

Therese Z
May 15, 2014

Musical:

What do you call a beautiful woman on an oboeist’s arm?

A tattoo.

Jacob Morgan
May 15, 2014

A hellfire and brimstone Baptist preacher is giving a revival at a country church, and is going on and on about the Devil. Then suddenly there is a cloud of sulfur and there is the Devil himself, “You like talking about me, well here I am!” The preacher runs out the side door as fast as he can. Old Scratch turns to the choir and roars and they too run for their lives. The Devil then faces the congregation and says, “if you think you can take me on then don’t run” as fire leaps out of his mouth. Everyone runs out the back. Everyone except one old man, who seems to have no concern about the sudden appearance of pure evil. The Devil walks over to him and bellows “why don’t you fear me, do you know who I am?” “I sure do know who you are,” says the old man, “been married to your sister for the last fifty years.”

Stephen
May 15, 2014

Legendary Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter pulls him aside and tells him “we don’t do this for everybody, but truth be told God is a huge football fan, so we got you your own private quarters.” He then takes Bowden to a cottage adorned with FSU memorabilia.

While looking around, he looks out the back window, and sees a mansion painted orange and blue, decked out with Florida Gator signs. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but why do I get a cottage and Steve Spurrier gets a mansion?”

“Oh, that’s not Spurrier’s house; that’s God’s house.”

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 15, 2014

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and a fine bottle of Bushmills. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars.

Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

GillianC
May 15, 2014

Borrowed from a bassist:

Q: How high does a viola go?
A: Depends on how hard you kick it.

undergroundpewster
May 15, 2014

My Bishop’s Theology

The Little Myrmidon
May 15, 2014

Therese and Sparky: you did ‘t think there was another lawyer joke? Well, think again…

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Scott W.
May 15, 2014

I heard the Mafia once put a hit on Johann Sebastian but called it off because they decided it just wasn’t right to be Offenbach.

CarolynP
May 15, 2014

Do you all know how many lawyer jokes there are?
.
.
.
.
Only 2.
.
.
.
The rest are true stories.

FW Ken
May 15, 2014

The IRA terrorist goes to confession and says: forgive me Father, for I blew up 200 miles of British railway track. The old Irish priest says: I absolve you. Now for your penance, go and do the Stations.

Works better spoken with Irish accents.

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 15, 2014

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One is a bottom-dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish!

Jacob Morgan
May 15, 2014

An Englishman visits Australia, and the customs man asks for his passport and asks if he had been convicted of any felonies, to which the Englishman replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, I did not know that was still required.”

Baillie
May 15, 2014

@ tjmcmahon

Only one person has ever gotten that joke and that was my 90-something, raised-on-a-Nova-Scotia-farm grandmother – and she didn’t hesitate:

“A cow.”

A Cowsy-wowsy, to be precise.

(Now you have some idea of my IQ…)

Ta!

Gregg the Obscure
May 15, 2014

Jacob Morgan – that was one of the funniest jokes I’ve seen in many a moon!

dwstroudmd+
May 15, 2014

Climate change, it’s not just for earth anymore!

http://news.yahoo.com/jupiters-great-red-spot-shrinks-smallest-size-ever-180824464.html

Cause?
a) anthropogenic production of CO2
b) too many cows having flatus
c) the PB’s private airplane
d) the HOB’s carbon footprint for “meetings”

Gilbert
May 15, 2014

clifford

>>>>There are only 10 kinds of people in the world – those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world – those who know tertiary, those who don’t and those who mistake it for binary.

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 15, 2014

One more and I fold:

;)

Jack and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Jack lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Jack sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, “that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by.” Jack replied, “It seems the least I could do seeing as how I’ve been married to the woman for over forty years!”

clifford
May 15, 2014

A joke about engineers:

An engineer and his friend had lunch the same time every day. But one day his friend turned up late, and riding a bicycle.
“Bill, I didn’t know you owned a bike.”
“I didn’t, until a few minutes ago.”
“You… bought a bike?”
“Not at all. Remember I told you about that nice girl from accounting with the bike I see every day on my way to lunch?”
“Yes.”
“Well, we’ve gotten to talking on the way over these last few weeks. Nothing special, just small talk. But today, when I came around the secluded corner by the side of the building, and there she was naked as could be! Her bike and her clothes were on the ground, and told me I could have anything I saw that I liked.”

The first engineer thought for a moment and said, “Yeah, bike was a good choice. Clothes would never have fit.”

clifford
May 15, 2014

A small town had an infestation of mice. Try as they might, nothing worked to reduce their numbers. In desperation, the town leaders turned to religion.

They asked the Catholic priest. He said 10,000 Hail Mary’s and made a pilgramige to Lourdes. No effect.

They then asked the Baptist Preacher. He preached a 6-hour, fire and brimstone sermon to the mice. The mice remained.

Finally, they asked an Episcopal Priest. By the end of the day, the mice were gone.

The town’s leaders were amazed. “Father, this is a miracle! What did you do?”
“Easy,” replied the priest, “I just confirmed them all as members of The Episcopal Church. So now we’ll only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Elaine S.
May 15, 2014

My favorite confession joke (must have been pre-Vatican II vintage originally but still funny):

A guy who has been away from the Church for decades finally decides to go to confession. He can’t remember all his sins so the priest just goes down a list and asks him whether he committed them; to almost every one he says “Yes, many times.” Finally the priest asks, “Have you ever eaten meat on Fridays?” To which the man replies, “Of course not, Father, what do you think I am — a Protestant?”

J.M. Heinrichs
May 16, 2014

Father Pat dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is a bit surprised that he cannot enter immediately, they are apparently waiting for someone important. Finally a scrawny wizened chap appears and everyone springs into action to hustle him through the PG formalities and into heaven.
Being somewhat bewildered, Father Pat asked one of the angelic host who this otherwise nondescript personage was.
“That’s Mike; he was a taxi-driver. When he drove, thousands prayed!”

Cheers

Bill (not IB)
May 16, 2014

Daniel,

If you’re wondering what happened to your comment, I edited it slightly to make sure it didn’t seem to reference one of our commenters.

chris (not our esteemed host)
May 16, 2014

i like Dale Price’s first entry. i heard a slightly different version, though.

A Franciscan and a Dominican were arguing over whose order better served God. Neither one was able to come up with a better argument to support his case, so they decided they would submit the question to a third party.

They were reluctant to do this at first, as the nearest available third party was a Jesuit, and they were sure he’d say the Society of Jesus served God best. But, lacking a really good alternative, they went ahead and put the question to the Jesuit. To their surprise, the Jesuit made no mention of his own order, and promised an answer after praying about the question for a week.

One week later, the Jesuit and the Dominican visit the Jesuit, who hands them a letter, which reads:

All orders serve me equally.

(signed)
God, SJ

chris (not our esteemed host)
May 16, 2014

Musical jokes:

How can you tell the stage at a bluegrass festival is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth…

How do you get a drummer off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.

chris (not our esteemed host)
May 16, 2014

Lightbulb jokes:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ONLY ONE, AND IT IS NOT IN ANY WAY FUNNY.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to change it and one not to change it.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb. Only one, but it takes a long time, costs a lot of money, and only works if the lightbulb WANTS to change.

How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb. Six. One to change it, and five more to sing about how good the old lightbulb was.

CarolynP
May 16, 2014

One beautiful Sunday spring morning the priest woke up and looked outside and said to himself “I cannot possibly pass up this beautiful day to play golf”. So he called his assistant and claimed to be sick, then drove two hours away to another town where no one would recognize him.

As he was preparing to tee off on a par 5, an angel looked down and called to God “look at that priest playing golf instead of preaching on a Sunday! You should punish him!” God looked down and agreed.

The priest hit a fairly poor tee shot, but a bird swooped down and grabbed the ball in mid-air, flew towards the green, dropped the ball at the edge where a squirrel darted over and pushed it into the hole.

The angel said “I thought you were going to punish him? You just gave him a hole-in-one on a par 5!” And God said,

“Yes, and who can he tell about it?”

Ky Catholic
May 16, 2014

There was a priest, a minister and a rabbi who all lived in the same neighborhood. All of them wanted a luxury car and they’d been saving and saving. So one day the priest came home in his new Cadillac Escalade. He parked the car, got out his holy water and book of blessings and proceeded to bless his new car.

The minister next door drove his new Jaguar home and saw the priest. He thought he ought to do something special too, so he got out his hymn book and began to sing.

The rabbi drove up in his BMW, and thought he ought to do something special too. So he went into the garage, got a hacksaw and cut an inch off the tailpipe.

Gregg the Obscure
May 16, 2014

Two more with a kosher flair. Both of which were told to me by rabbis.

Mrs. Green was a real harpy to everyone except her grandson, on whom she doted. One day she took her grandson to the beach, in a new outfit for the occasion with a new pail and shovel. Both were having a delightful time when suddenly a huge wave swept the little boy off the beach and out to sea. Mrs. Green looked up and said “Lord, I know I’ve been difficult and mean and ungrateful. Just give me back this boy and I’ll change my ways. I’ll always be kind and grateful.” Another wave immediately deposited the laughing boy at her feet. She looked at him, paused, looked up and said “He was wearing a hat!”

Mr. Moscovitz was going to be knighted. As they were discussing the choreography of the event it was mentioned that, immediately before the queen approaches with the sword, the prospective knight is to make the sign of the cross. Mr. Moscovitz said he couldn’t really do that. The MC said “Well, just improvise a reverent gesture. I’m sure it will work out fine.” When the ceremony began, Mr. Moscovitz was the tenth of twelve to be knighted. As the queen approached, she noticed that his gesture wasn’t quite what she had seen from the others, so she turned to MC and asked “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 16, 2014

Bill (not IB),

Odd, you edited it back to the original. I was just trying to be a bit more formal considering the solemnity of the occasion.

:)

Daniel

p.s. our humble apologies to Jack if you’re lurking

Christopher Hathaway
May 16, 2014

Four Catholic priests were on a train to Dublin. On e of them turned to the others and said, “Brothers, confession is good for the soul, and we seldom have the opportunity to unburden ourselves without fear of what people might think. Let’s you and I confess our worst sins together. No one else will know.”

They agreed, and the first one said, “My weakness is drinking. I can’t tell you how many times I have stolen bottles for the communion wine and gotten so drunk I black out for hours. I’ve got a fifth of whiskey with me right now that I intend to finish before we get to Dublin!”

The next one said, “My sin is women. I can’t resist them. Young girls, married women, prostitutes, it doesn’t matter. I’ve done them all and I can’t stop. I’m on my way to have an affair with a nun tonight!”

The next one said, “My problem is gambling. I can’t resist the thrill, and I’m always losing. I’ve got the money from the offering from the church with me and I’m ready to blow it on the tables in Dublin when we arrive!”

They all turn to the last priest. He looks down and says, “My sin is gossip, and I can’t WAIT to get off this train!”

Christopher Hathaway
May 16, 2014

A carpenter and his assistant are putting new siding on a house. The carpenter looks at his assistant and sees him take out a nail, examine it, and throw it away. He takes another nail, examines it and hammers it into a clapboard. He does this over and over, using some nails and throwing others away. Finally the carpenter goes over to him.

“What are you doing?” he asks, “Those nails cost money.”

“Some of these nails are defective.” his assistant replies, “They’ve got the heads on the wrong side”

“You idiot!” the carpenter exclaims, “Those are for the OTHER side of the house!”

DeeBee
May 17, 2014

Since we’re on to DIY jokes now, here’s one I heard a while back (paraphrased due to my usual bad memory) . . .

A house painter named Chad, desperate for work, heard that his local parish church was looking for bids to paint the exterior. Several other painters were interested in the job, and Chad got the job only by reducing his quote to the absolute bare minimum.

On the day he started to paint the church, Chad started out as he normally would. By the time he finished the first side, however, he realized that he would not have nearly enough paint to finish the job. Since Chad had no money to buy more paint, he took some leftover thinner and thinned the paint to make it last longer.

The second side of the church did not look quite as good as the first, but it was passable. Even so, Chad had to add more thinner to the paint to finish the third and fourth walls, and after he finished the last wall, it hardly looked better than when he started.

Just as Chad was finishing up, a sudden and ferocious rainstorm appeared right over the church, beating the church walls and removing every last bit of paint that Chad has applied that day. Suddenly, a beam of sunlight pierced the clouds, and Chad heard a booming voice say . . .
.
.
“REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!”

DeeBee
May 17, 2014

. . . Aaaaannd another musical joke:

Q: What is the first thing a trombone player says when he gets to work?

A: “Would you like fries with that?”

Galletta
May 17, 2014

I hope this one has not been told. The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. He’s impressed, of course, but wants to see Heaven’s library to see if it compares to the library of the Vatican. He asks St. Peter if he could visit it, and St. Peter graciously responds, “Of course. We have the original Bible, you know.” The Pope replies, “No, we have the original Bible.” St. Peter agains replies, “I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.” They proceed to the heavenly library, and once there, the librarian brings out the Bible in question. The Pope is given permission to peruse the Bible and does so. After a little bit, he starts sobbing uncontrollably. When asked why he’s weeping by St. Peter, the Pope says, “Celebrate! Celebrate! Our version of the Bible says Celibate!”

Galletta
May 17, 2014

I hope this one has not been told. The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. He’s impressed, of course, but wants to see Heaven’s library to see if it compares to the library of the Vatican. He asks St. Peter if he could visit it, and St. Peter graciously responds, “Of course. We have the original Bible, you know.” The Pope replies, “No, we have the original Bible.” St. Peter agains replies, “I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.” They proceed to the heavenly library, and once there, the librarian brings out the Bible in question. The Pope is given permission to peruse the Bible and does so. After a little bit, he starts sobbing uncontrollably. When asked why he’s weeping by St. Peter, the Pope says, “Celebrate! Celebrate! Our version of the Bible says Celibate!”

Galletta
May 17, 2014

Sorry for the duplication.

Galletta
May 17, 2014

One more. In 1989, Pope John Paul II visited South Carolina. While driving to Columbia from Charlotte, he says to his driver, “It’s such a lovely day and I haven’t driven in years. May I possibly drive for a while?” The driver is dumbfounded. What is he to do, after all, it’s the Pope who is asking to drive. The driver replies, “Sure.”
They switch places and the Pope starts driving the limousine. He enjoys himself so much, he does not realize how fast he is traveling, when all of a sudden a blue flashing light show up in the rearview mirror. The driver says, “Pull over!” A highway trooper appears at the driver’s window, and is shocked. He walks back to his patrol car and radios his dispatcher. “I’ve got a big one this time!” The dispatcher says, “You didn’t pull the Governor did you?”
“No this one is much bigger.”
“You didn’t pull Strom Thurmond did you”
“Oh, no,” the trooper replies, “Much bigger.”
The dispatcher, surprised, says, “You did not pull the President of the US? I’ve haven’t heard of him being in South Carolina.”
“No!” says the state trooper. “This one is much bigger.”
“Well then who did you pull?”asks an exasperated dispatcher.
“I don’t know,” replies the state trooper, “but he must be much more important ’cause the Pope’s driving!”

J.M. Heinrichs
May 17, 2014

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Hymie, look who’s trying to teach us Marketing.”

Cheers

Allen Lewis
May 18, 2014

Lawyer jokes:

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right, and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” the cop said, “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

First lawyer joke:

Four surgeons were playing a round of golf and talking shop. The first says, “My favorite patients are librarians. When I open them up, everything is arranged according to the Dewey Decimal system.”

The second surgeon said, “I love to operate on secretaries. All their organs are in alphabetical order.”

The third observed, “The best patients are engineers. Inside, every organ is numbered.”

The fourth surgeon then said, “My favorite patients are lawyers, because they’re brainless, gutless, and spineless, and their heads are interchangeable with their asses!”

Second lawyer joke:

Q: What do you call ten lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, “Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the ‘God particle’?”

The Higgs boson replies: “But I make up the mass.”

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – they just define darkness as “industry standard”.

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