HELP OUR HOST

Tuesday, May 13th, 2014 | Uncategorized

Since Chris has left me free to offer a few words on MCJ, I thought that there’s one topic which *really* needs to be addressed. Bill (not IB)

I suspect that most of you regular readers come to visit MCJ for the same reasons I do – humor, enlightenment, inspiration, humor, education, entertainment, humor, news, spirituality, and humor.

Our host does a wonderful job. While MCJ has a very distinctive “Anglican” leaning, it also is unafraid to skewer politics, current events, and whatever else may happen to catch Chris’ attention.

Like most blogs, MCJ is a gift to the readers. There’s no membership required, no subscription, and no booklets in the mail announcing how YOU can become a PREFERRED READER of MCJ for the LOW, LOW price of just 1$*

It’s been a long time since Chris was laid off from his job at the library. The cost of a new laptop isn’t something that unemployment benefits were intended to cover, but that laptop is Chris’ connection to the internet – and to MCJ. He NEEDS it.

Although you may never have noticed it, over towards the top right hand side of the MCJ home screen it says “Support the MCJ”, with a PayPal “Donate” button underneath. Donations can be made at any time, and in any amount.

I’d like to ask all of you Faithful Readers to consider making a donation to the MCJ. I don’t know what kind of laptop Chris is looking for, but if he’s considering anything with an Apple logo on it prices right around $1,000.00 seem to be typical. If we could raise that amount, I’m sure it would mean a great deal to Chris.

I’d love to be able to provide a running total on donations. But – PayPal information is only available to the owner of the PayPal account, who is (of course) Chris. I thought about several options, but they would have ended up in multi-step donations and been overly complicated. So I’ll just suggest that you give what you feel comfortable giving. Every donation counts, from the smallest to the largest. And remember, words of support are just as valuable as your gifts – I run several websites, and I know how much a kind email means. The only one who will know about your donation is Chris.

Chris does not know that I am posting this, nor have I spoken with him about it. As a fellow reader, I ask you all to show your support for Chris and the MCJ. Comments to this post are welcome – but PLEASE don’t say whether or not you have donated. Let’s keep that between each individual reader and Chris.

* (per payment, due in 52 weekly automatically debited installments).

66 Comments to HELP OUR HOST

The Little Myrmidon
May 13, 2014

“I suspect that most of you regular readers come to visit MCJ for the same reasons I do.”

Don’t forget humor.

Well done, Bill(not IB).

dwstroudmd+
May 13, 2014

Or HUMOUR!

Concur, TLM.

Daniel Muller
May 13, 2014

An opportunity to contribute to the Hire a Better-Quality Troll campaign is always welcome. Even though results are not always guaranteed! QED.

Therese Z
May 13, 2014

So we should tell short clean jokes in the meantime:

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
- they taste funny

A skeleton walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer….and a mop.”

Jedinovice
May 13, 2014

OK, I’ll bite:

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, no, two, sorry four, I mean six, no, twelve, wait… I know this one…

How Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty.
One to stand on the ladder, two to hold the hold the Holy Cushion holding the Holy light bulb, six to chant the invocation to Saint Felicia of Carthage for blessings on the light bulb, three to burn the incense, two to sprinkle the Holy Water, one to hold the Holy Screwdriver…

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
Its essence has already changed.

How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Dunno, but it’s not the same as the CoE all right?!!

How many Vineyarders does it take to change a light bulb?
Ah, just bring the old one up to the front and we’ll raise it from the dead.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Show me were you find a light bulb in the Bible and I’ll tell you how to change it.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You are illuminated by the discoveries of modern science and the benevolent enfold of the Goddess Diana. Besides, we’ve taken everyone’s light bulbs for 815 already.

FW Ken
May 13, 2014

No, No, No! Its:

How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

What is this “change” of which you speak?

How many Catholics? Any number will do. One to change the bulb and the others to talk about the superiority of the old bulb in lighting the room. (This works for numerous faith traditions).

But my favorite of all time (of the clean variety):

Who was Alexander Graham Bell Polansky?

World’s first telephone pole.

Dave
May 13, 2014

I wouldn’t touch that last joke with a ten foot pole… And Zbigniew Brzenzinski (a ten foot Pole) wouldn’t touch it either!

…Always wanted to work “Zbigniew Brzenzinski” into a post! Almost as neat a name as Butros Butros Gahli (not to mention his famous brother Zum Gahli Gahli).

Just Passing Through
May 13, 2014

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?

Someone who knocks on your door but doesn’t know why.

Dave
May 13, 2014

Oh… I almost forgot about the famous cellist, Yo Yo Ma and the famous rapper, Yo! Yo Mama.

The Little Myrmidon
May 13, 2014

OK, you’ve all heard this one before, but… how many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

Change that light lightbulb? I’ll have you know my grandmother donated that lightbulb!

rmloc
May 13, 2014

I hesitate to interrupt the frivolity now proceeding in the combox, but this longtime lurker just chipped in a few shekels to the donate button. As a Roman Catholic reader, I’ve never commented because I find that Fuinseoig, FW Ken or Ed the R have said what I would have said sooner and more eloquently, but this appeal was an opportunity to thank our host for providing a place for folks of different traditions to engage in vigorous but respectful dialogue — this place gives one great hope for ecumenism. Plus it’s got some of the best writing on the web, and not just religious sites.
Your brother in Christ
Rmloc

The Little Myrmidon
May 13, 2014

So, a Methodist minister, a Baptist minister and an Episcopal priest all die at the same time and are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the Methodist minister, “You!! I know all about you! You preached temperance, but you snuck a drink once. Step over there and I’ll deal with you later.”

Then St. Peter said to the Baptist minister, “You!! I know all about YOU, too. You preached against taking the Lord’s name in vain, but you once swore like a longshoreman in private. Step over there and I’ll get back to you in a minute.”

Then turning to the Episcopal priest, he said, “You!! I know all about YOU as well. Why you once used your salad fork for your entrée!!”

The Little Myrmidon
May 13, 2014

A Methodist minister and his wife, a Baptist minister and his wife and an Episcopal priest and his wife all die at the same time and meet up at heaven’s gate.

St. Peter says to the Methodist minister and his wife, “So! I know all about you. You preached about the seven deadly sins, but loved food so much that you even married a woman named Candy”

A trapdoor opens up and down they go!

St. Peter then said to the Baptist minister and his wife, “I know all about you also! You preached about sexual morality, but you loved sex so much you even married a woman named Fanny.”

A trapdoor opens up and down they go!

At this point the Episcopal priest turns to his wife and says, “This isn’t looking good, Penny!”

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 13, 2014

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

Daniel aka Fisherman
May 13, 2014

Sorry, one more as I recall my parochial school days:

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, “I want to be a prostitute.”

“What did you say?!” asks the nun, totally shocked.

“I said I want to be a prostitute,” Suzy repeats.

“Oh, thank heavens,” says the nun. “I thought you said ‘a Protestant!’”

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
May 13, 2014

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

None – the Baptist porter actually changes the bulb while the Episcopalians stand around chatting about how much they liked the old one!

Brize
May 13, 2014

Any way to do this by check without using Paypal?

Bill (not IB)
May 13, 2014

Brize,

The answer is yes, but I don’t have any details I can offer. Use the “email the editor” link below the PayPal icon to get in touch with Chris directly and get contact information from him.

Bill (not IB)
May 13, 2014

For my own contribution to the humor du jour:

How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 22 -

6 to form a “Light Bulb Ministry” committee.

4 to report the findings of the “Light Bulb Ministry” committee to the “Maintenance and Repair” committee.

2 to provide input from the “Maintenance and Repair” committee to the Sexton.

1 for the Sexton to assign replacement of the bulb to the Men’s Club.

6 for the Men’s club to buy coffee, go to Home Depot, select the proper bulb, and take it to the church.

2 to get the ladder that everyone else forgot would be required.

1 to discover that the bulb was OK; someone made a mistake as to which switch turned it on and off.

Jedinovice
May 13, 2014

Since I have headed out East…

How many Filipinos does it take to change to change a light bulb?
Six.
How else are they going to reach?

How many Indonesians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change the light bulb, the other to take the photograph.

How many Japanese does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
You get the robot to do it.

How many Singaporeans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one.
But the paperwork takes all night.
[I speak from painful experience.]

How many British does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change the light bulb and one police office to arrest said individual for using a non-EU authorised tungstun bulb and for fitting it himself, not using a duly qualified electrical repairman.
[Two ACTUAL regulations in the UK!!!]

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Jedinovice
May 13, 2014

>1 to discover that the bulb was OK; someone made a mistake as to which switch turned it on and off.

Sweet.

Jedinovice
May 13, 2014

At a busy pub in London a piece of string hops in.

“Oi!” Cries the publican. “We don’t serve pieces of string here. Sling yer hook!”
Dejected the piece of string hops out.

Next, the same thing, a piece of string hops into the busy pub.
“Oi!” Cries the publican. “We don’t serve pieces of string here. Sling yer hook!”
Dejected the piece of string hops out.

The following day a large, thick, tattered and worn piece of rope with a knot at the top jumps in and up to the bar.
The publican scowls at the rope suspiciously.
“You a piece of string?” He asks.
“Naw.” Says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

Allen Lewis
May 13, 2014

How many Zen Budhists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change it and one not to change it.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One; but the bulb has to really want to change itself.

Allen Lewis
May 13, 2014

Maybe we should have a contest on the best light bulb joke?

Allen Lewis
May 13, 2014

There is also the fellowship aspect with the com-box regulars. I have learned quite a bit from all of you who tend to hang out around this joint.

I would hate to see this community die out.

Cheers to each and every one of you!

Branford
May 13, 2014

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That’s. Not. Funny.

The Little Myrmidon
May 13, 2014

A college professor is grading some papers for freshman English Composition. One coed’s paper had the sentence, “The woman fell down the stairs and lay prostitute on the floor.”

The professor took out his red pen and wrote, “Young lady, in the future you will please distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has temporarily lost her balance.”

Ed the Roman
May 14, 2014

The professor took out his red pen and wrote, “Young lady, in the future you will please distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has temporarily lost her balance.”

FTW!

Sparky
May 14, 2014

I contributed to the lapper fund. No joke.

Muerk
May 14, 2014

I stole these from the interwebs:

Some Dominicans, Franciscans, and Jesuits were convened in an old church for a scholarly seminar when a fuse blew and the lights went out.

The Dominicans began taking turns preaching on the topic of being a light to the world.

The Franciscans got out guitars and started a sing-along.

The Jesuits went downstairs and changed the fuse.

….

A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, “How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?”

The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”

The Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”

Ed the Roman
May 14, 2014

Franciscan Favorite Grace:
Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty.

Jesuit Favorite Grace:
You DO have a 1964 Chateau Latour? Thank God!

Dominican Favorite Grace:
Prevenient.

John
May 14, 2014

Please, can someone change the subject before we get any knock knock jokes.

Muerk
May 14, 2014

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cain
Cain who?
Cain you tell me where Genesis Street is? I’m not Abel to find it!

Lakeland Two
May 14, 2014

I’m thinking of telling this to some kids,
and I want it to be only funny but not offensive.
They are not Jehovah’s Witnesses and neither am I,
but they know Jehovah’s Witnesses go door-to-door a lot.

Here’s my joke:

Knock Knock! ……. silence.

Knock Knock! …….. silence.

KNOCK! KNOCK! …… silence.

Finally the kid will say, “You’re supposed to say, Who’s there?”

Then I tell the kid, “I’m pretending you’re a Jehovah’s Witness.”

.

Lakeland Two
May 14, 2014

Copied that joke just for you, John. Now, why don’t you contribute a joke? After all, you get some enjoyment coming here.

Katherine
May 14, 2014

Brize, and others, I think if you click the PayPal button there is an option for using another credit card rather than one registered to PayPal. I have been told by IT geeks that PayPal was not affected by the nefarious hack thingy everyone has been so worried about.

Whitestone
May 14, 2014

Question: Why couldn’t they play cards on the Ark?

Answer: Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Armageddon

Armageddon who?

Armageddon outa here!

Whitestone
May 14, 2014

To make up for the two above:
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

Lakeland Two
May 14, 2014

Now this joke was told by Bishop John-David Schofield a very long, long time ago and done very, very well so that it stuck in my mind permanently:

Three Buddhist Monks die and go to Heaven (They are pretty freaked out about that). St. Peter knows they have led a good life, so he asks the first one to explain the true meaning of Easter, as a way to get into heaven…

(In Buddhist Monk voice) “Easta… Son of man, dress up big red suit, bring gifts to children of the world, make a very happy.”. St. Peter pulls a lever and… Cha-Ching !! A door opens up under the monk and is instantly catapulted to Hell. . St. Peter turns and asks asks the second one to explain the same thing…

(In Buddhist Monk voice) “Easta… Son on man, dress up like bunny rabbit, bring candy to the children of the world, make a very happy.” St. Peter shakes his head slowly, and then he pulls the lever. Cha-Ching!! And away Monk Number Two heads straight to hell…

So, St. Peter asks the third monk to explain the true meaning of Easter. Now, this monk has seen what has happened to his two friends and his brain races through his memory to pool in what he remembers about Christianity.

(In Buddhist Monk voice) “Easta…Son Of God, persecuted by his own people, hang on cross to die, put in tomb with big rock, 3 days later step outside, see shadow, winter for 6 more weeks…”. CHA-CHING!!!!

Whitestone
May 14, 2014

This one fits a Christian Conservative political blog:

At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” St. Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we’ve ever seen.”

John
May 14, 2014

Ok. Here is a terrible joke.
An ninety nine year old man tells his neighbor that he is getting divorce. The neighbor responds “are you crazy. You’ve been married for seventy two years. Are you crazy.” The man responds “we’ve been thinking of doing it for several years we were just waiting for our children to die.”

Therese Z
May 14, 2014

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
just two.

Jacob Morgan
May 14, 2014

Over in England a monastery decided to set up a fish and chip stand to raise money. A customer walks up and asks the first man he sees “are you the fish friar?”, he replies “no, I’m the chip monk.”

Creedal Episcopalian
May 14, 2014

The differences between Catholics, Anglicans, and Baptists:

Anglicans Don’t recognize the doctrine of transubstantiation.

Catholics don’t recognize Anglican Apostolic succession.

Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

Jacob Morgan
May 14, 2014

A deputy sheriff is patrolling a long lonely road one night back in the 1950′s. He spots a station wagon off the road. He stops to investigate. It is full of nuns. The mother superior explains that they are nurses going to work at a new hospital and their station wagon ran out of gas. The deputy thinks for a minute and tells them that they can siphon off some of the gas from his patrol car, if they can find something to put it in. The most suitable thing they can find, amongst the medical supplies they were transporting, was a bed pan. So they siphon out some gas and the start pouring it into the station wagon, and an old truck driver going by slams on the brakes and rolls the window down and says “Sister, I sure admire your faith, but I don’t think that is going to work.”

Lakeland Two
May 14, 2014

Thanks, John!

Chris M
May 14, 2014

So Hans Kung, Joseph Ratzinger, and John Spong all die and go to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter meets them and says “welcome to Heaven. However, before I admit you through the gates, you must be divested of all your arrogance and pride over your theological musings which are in error. John Spong? Come with me.” and off they go to a small room where arguing is heard for 5 minutes. Thereafter, Spong walks out in a daze muttering “My God.. how wrong I’ve been.. how could I have been so wrong?”

“Hans Kung, you’re next. Come with me.” and Peter takes him into the room where arguing is heard for the better part of an hour. The door opens and Kung staggers out, horrified and muttering “My God.. how wrong I’ve been.. how could I have been so wrong?”

“Joseph Ratzinger, come with me.” and he follows Saint Peter into the same room where arguing goes on for innumerable hours after which Saint Peter emerges shocked and saying “My God.. how wrong I’ve been.. how could I have been so wrong?”

Gregg the Obscure
May 14, 2014

Catholic Fr. Feeney and an Episcopal Rev. Cabot got into a fender-bender. Fr. Feeney was quite shaken by the experience. Rev. Cabot, being equipped for any contingency, offers Fr. Feeney a glass of Scotch to calm his nerves, which is gratefully accepted. Fr. Feeney asks if Rev. Cabot will join him, to which Rev. Cabot replies, “Thanks, but I’ll wait until after the police have come and gone.”

The Little Myrmidon
May 14, 2014

Re: the lapper fund.

One & done.

FW Ken
May 14, 2014

Gregg beat me to it, but the way I heard, it was a Franciscan and a Jesuit. The latter offered the liquor. :-)

BillB
May 14, 2014

Military Pilot Jokes:

A fighter pilot dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asks his name and checks the List. “Oh I see you are a fighter pilot”.

The pilot replies “Yes Sir, I am”.

St. Peter pulls out a piece of paper, “Here son, please sign this”.

The pilot asks “Why do I need to sign this?”

St. Peter replies “To get into Heaven.”

The pilot then asks “What is it that I am signing?”

St. Peter “A declaration that you recognize that you are just a fighter pilot and not God.”

A young pilot flying an F-4, a two-engine fighter, pulled up on the wing of a B-52, an eight engine bomber, back during the Vietnam conflict and called the B-52 on the radio to fly formation with the bomber back to the base they both were at. The bomber’s pilot agreed and they headed back in formation.

After a while being that the young pilo was a fighter pilot and generally a nuisance, he acted like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.”

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”

The bomber pilot replied “I just shut down number One and number Two engines, kid. Do you want to try that”

A flight of fighter jets is crossing the ocean in formation with a tanker to refuel them and provide navigation.

The lead pilot of the fighter formation does a roll around the tanker and then calls up the tanker to challenge them to do something that he can’t.

The tanker crew agrees and then nothing happens for about an hour.

The fighter pilot calls them back and asks if they are going to do anything.

The tanker pilot replies “I got out of my seat, went back and used the restroom, took a thirty minute nap and got a hot cup of coffee. Can you do that?”

Gregg the Obscure
May 14, 2014

Well Ken, I heard at as a Franciscan and a Jebbie also and have told it as such, but thought the ecumenical angle might be more fitting for this venue.

Ed the Roman
May 14, 2014

A variant for the P3 community (four turboprop with controllable pitch airscrews).

Patrol Plane commander to Flight Engineer: Feather three.

Flight Engineer to Patrol Plane Commander: Roger, sir, which three?

Mithrax
May 14, 2014

What was the name of Jeremiah’s horse?
.

.

.

.

.

Isme.

He was always saying “Woah isme!”

DeeBee
May 14, 2014

Okay. From the General Humor file, one of my son’s favorites . . .

“Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.”

Jim from Wisconsin
May 14, 2014

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE???!!!

Fognozz
May 14, 2014

A little church choir humor:

Q: How many Sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one – she holds up the light bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many Altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, that’s OK, we’ll let the Sopranos handle it.

Q: How many Tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change a light bulb! We don’t have to change light bulbs, we’re Tenors!
(Tenors are a rare commodity in church choirs)

Q: How many Bass’s does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Not an issue, real men are willing to sit in the dark.

;-)

trespinos
May 14, 2014

Not a lot of puns yet. A couple of years back, you may remember that ingenious young kid from Washington State who evaded capture for a long time while periodically stealing general aviation planes and taking them for joyrides. Well, one of his MO hallmarks was leaving footprint outlines on the floor in stores he entered and stole stuff from….

Some years earlier, in Bangkok I believe, a certain Mr. Chan was the proprietor of an exclusive store that featured exquisitely carved teak objets d’art. One summer, his store was hit a number of times by a burglar in the night who ran off with some fabulously expensive teaks. The only clue left behind were a young boy’s footprints on the floor. Mr. Chan got nowhere with the local police detectives, but an acquaintance of his, the local British consul, solved the mystery by cleverly positioning some surveillance cameras. There on the tape the following week was indisputable evidence of the thief’s identity. It was, mirabile dictu, a Sumatran bear with a boy’s foot slipper over each paw. Word of this wonder spread fast, and the headline in the next morning’s Erawhan Times read: “Mystery Solved. Boy-Foot Bear With Teaks of Chan.”

The Little Myrmidon
May 14, 2014

Sadly, I have lived long enough to have already heard most of these jokes. In fact, most of them were old enough to vote back when I was a kid. LOL!

The Little Myrmidon
May 14, 2014

“How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE???!!!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

How can you tell if you get a bladder infection? Urine trouble.

Katherine
May 15, 2014

Okay, TLM, I am heroically resisting a political joke. Not in the spirit of the thread.

Valletta
May 16, 2014

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the
giraffe a and one to fill the bathtub with clocks.

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

Time for a blonde joke…

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to even get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, and then looked at the box. He turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then,” he sighed, “let’s put all these frosted flakes back in the box.”

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary, my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

“He kept saying, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’ “

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

Father Murphy is walking down the street one day and sees one of his parishioners. “Paddy, why are ye looking so sad, lad?” he asks.

“Oh, Father, my wee dog died this week, and I miss him.”

“Paddy, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anythin’ I can do?”

“Well, Father, I was wondering if you could bury him in the church cemetery.”

“Oh, no, Paddy! The bishop would never let me do that!”

“That’s too bad, Father,” says Paddy. “I would have donated $5000 to the parish in his memory.”

“Paddy! Paddy!” says Father. “Why didn’t ye tell me the wee thing was a Catholic?”

Tom Vaughn
May 19, 2014

…AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin. There’s no paper on this side, either.”

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