Posted by Christopher Johnson | Thursday, December 15th, 2011 | Uncategorized | 35 Comments

Thank you for your interest in becoming a certified Catholic priest.  We here at Certified Catholic Priests International, Inc. have helped thousands of people around the world to lead richer, more fulfilling lives as certified Catholic priests.

You probably have lots of questions.  The first question everyone asks is, “Do I have what it takes to become a certified Catholic priest?”  Our research staff here at CCPI has put together this quick aptitude test to help you find out.

(1) The Roman Catholic Church was founded by:
     (A) Romulus
     (B) Former Los Angeles Rams quarterback Roman Gabriel
     (C) Jim Rome
     (D) None of the above

(2) “Missal” is:
     (A) A long-range rocket containing some sort of weapon
     (B) The opposite of “hittal”
     (C) What everybody in Council Bluffs, Iowa used to call Miss Alberta Leffingwell, head
     librarian of the Council Bluffs Public Library from 1939 until 1983
     (D) None of the above

(3) When the telegraph was the only form of long-distance communication, the average amount of time that it took to complete one level of Angry Birds was:
     (A) Six months
     (B) Four years
     (C) It depended on the difficulty of the level
     (D) None of the above

(4) The bishop’s crozier is a symbol of:
     (A) Hitting people over the head who have fallen asleep in church
     (B) Hitting people over the head whose pledge checks are late
     (C) Hitting people over the head who hate Marty Haugen
     (D) None of the above

(5) In the Eucharist, the “elements” are:
     (A) Tens and twenties
     (B) Cheese Danish and Decaf Columbian
     (C) Baklava and Jamaican Blue Mountain
     (D) None of the above

If you answered (D) to all of the above questions, becoming a certified Catholic priest should definitely be in your future.

But don’t take our word for it.  Listen to what some other satisfied CCPI customers think.

Ed the R, Florida – One Christmas morning, my kids informed me that I was now a certified Catholic priest.  They’d thought about getting me a brand-new Lexus but they decided to buy me something meaningful instead.  Thanks, CCPI!

Fuin, Ireland – You can’t imagine the looks of respect I get when I tell people that I’m a certified Catholic priest.  At least I think it’s respect.  Maybe it’s awe and admiration.  Thanks CCPI!

Paula L., Florida – Diamonds?  Meh!  My husband’s never going to be able to get me a better anniversary present.  Thanks, CCPI!

Kathleen L., Oregon – Wow.  Just…wow.  Thanks, CCPI!

What do you have to do?  Simply send $39.95 or three easy payments of $29.95, plus $5.95 shipping and handling, to:

Certified Catholic Priests International, Inc.
P. O. Box CCPI0001
St. Louis, Missouri 63111

You will receive a signed and numbered certificate, suitable for framing at your own expense, designating you as an officially-certified Catholic priest. 

You can also call 1-800-KSCHORI or you can place your secure order on the Internet at  Have your Mastercard or VISA available.  Allow four to six weeks for delivery.

35 Comments to COMMERCIAL

December 15, 2011

My little boy loved to play priest when he was four, but I never managed to get him any newspaper coverage. I wonder if he’ll forgive me.

Fr. Will McQueen
December 15, 2011


Daniel aka Fisherman
December 15, 2011

Although it might be hard to fool the Vatican, I know a few certifiable bishops and priests in TEc.

December 15, 2011

If you need a palate cleanser after reading that article, read this opinion piece in response to this article published in the same newspaper. The young lady who wrote it offers the best defense of a male only priesthood I have ever seen.

December 15, 2011

My next door neighbor, Bishop Fireball Watts had this to say:

“Them’s th’ folk I got my Doctor uv Divinity degree frum! Hit’s on high-quality laser-engrabed paper, got all sorts uv doo-dads curly-cueing all round hit – hit’s plumb impressive! I highly recommend these year folks fer all yer educational and ecclesiastical needs!”

“Y’all come see me next week when I’m preachin’ on the subject of peace-passin’ in th’ service: I call hit: “Passing the Peace – or Passing the Rattlesnake!”

December 15, 2011

Mr. Johnson,

So this is how you are going to augment your income and retire to Kansas by taking advantage of aging ladies and retirees who feel they have missed their true calling?

Plans to expand with a theology school and library as well?

A Caribbean campus might do better than one in Kansas OR better yet, the whole thing could be online and virtual like those reality games…with little cleric icons, cathedrals, vestments, etc.

The Little Myrmidon
December 15, 2011

The website for these, aaah, ladies is here. It appears there’s a group of four women who dress up and give communion to each other and shoot off shrill letters to the Archdiocese.

December 15, 2011

The photo with the article showed a woman offering a piece of what looks like Wonder Bread, another, although less serious, violation. But since they’re not Catholic, they can do what they want. I suppose they won’t use the corrected Mass translation, either.

December 15, 2011

Ah, yes, the Yneffable Wymynprysts…

By the way, the Star-Tribune story has been singled out in the Get Religion blog as abysmal, even by the normally lax standards of religious journalism in these United States:

A Senior Priest
December 15, 2011

It seems that once again a “true call” to the priesthood occurs simultaneous with menopause. What a bore.

Ed the Roman
December 15, 2011


December 16, 2011

The best and most accruate line from the article: “Because the women are violating Catholic doctrine by celebrating mass, they’re not allowed to meet in Catholic churches.” They are not celebrating Mass! The Holy Spirit does work in mysterious ways even exercising his subtle influence on uninformed religious writers.

As to what kind of mass ……..(religious suicide?) they are celebrating is left to the imagination.

December 16, 2011

“If you answered (D) to all of the above questions, becoming a certified Catholic priest should definitely be in your future.”

I would have thought it was “If you answered (D) to all of the above questions, your level of theological knowledge is suspiciously high. Nice try, but no luck sneaking in here, you bigot misogynist homophobe racist fundamentalist orthodox fascist!”

Nevertheless, in tribute to the multifarious benefits I have received from availing of this fine institutions’s programme of training, allow me to exercise my sacerdotal office by bestowing a benison upon you all:

To all the Patriarchs, Primates, Archbishops, Bishops, and other Local Ordinaries, who are in Loving Communion with the Apostolic See of Our Native and Beautiful Homeland located in the Barony of Decies Without Drum.

Venerable Brothers, Sisters and Other-Identified, We give you Our Greetings and Apostolic Blessing.

Given under Our hand at a location within County Waterford on this Sixteenth day of December in the Year of Our Lord Domini 2011 in the First Year of Our Priesthood as a Certified Catholic Priest (Incorporated).

December 16, 2011

You forgot part of the pitch:

“If you call to order in the next 20 minutes, you will be certified as an Episcopal priest at absolutely no extra charge. Episcopal priest certifications normally cost $4.95 but you can receive it ABSOLUTELY FREE if you act now.”

Offer void where prohibited.


December 16, 2011

From the website noted by: The Little Myrmidon
December 15, 2011:


a new, inclusive worship community
in the Roman Catholic tradition”

Under “who we are

“We believe that the fate of grown-ups is to live with ambiguity and tension, so we are not daunted by differences in points of view. Our intent is to try to create community based on the model we think best,to remain open to dialogue with people who espouse other models, and to keep focused on the Church’s mission.”

Pure and unadulterated TEC speak that any popess Schori,progressive TEC Bishop and official Convention document would be proud to proclaim and display!!

[…] here to read the hilarious rest. Tagged Christopher Johnson, Female Priests, Humor, Midwest […]

Dale Matson
December 16, 2011

Your offer reminds me of a Far Side cartoon. The salesman is at the door with the offer. “Double your IQ or no money back”. The homeowner responds, “OK, sounds like a good deal to me.”

The young fogey
December 16, 2011

More mainstream-media trash. Must have been a slow news day.

Just another vagante sideshow. IOW these ladies have started their own little church. The mainstream media rediscover that and universalism every few years.

Note that not only is WO impossible in the Catholic Church but there’s no popular support for it in the church, despite the liberals trying to push it for 40 years with women giving Communion and with altar girls. (Ignorant and/or non-attending Catholics saying ‘Yeah, maybe; sure, I believe in women’s rights’, going along with secular culture, is not a popular movement. Catholics know the church can’t change.)

Note that the people doing and supporting this are also… old.

A lot like the mainline ministry they’re sort of copying.

Interesting how there are next to no nuns anymore.

The young fogey
December 16, 2011

P.S. My empathy for some of these people. All they’ve done is taken the crappy catechesis they’ve heard people get away with in the church for 40 years to a logical conclusion. God is merciful.

Allen Lewis
December 16, 2011

You have all noted, I am sure, that this article comes from Minneapolis in Minnesota which obviously is a hotbed of theological idiocy!

Is it the cold weather in the winter that makes these people crazy or what? This is the state that “elected” Al Franken as a US Senator. You know something has got to be wrong in such a place.

Allen Lewis
December 16, 2011

I also noted that the article had this at the end:

enne and other women at Compassion of Christ recall “playing mass” when they were children and pretending to be priests. As young girls, they felt rejected that they could not be altar servers, let alone priests.

Seems like they are still “playing mass” and have not yet given up childish ways.

The Little Myrmidon
December 16, 2011

Oh man, I was all set to send off my $39.95 to CCPI, but then I realized I might have to give up my Lexus. Can I become a Certified Catholic Priest™ and still keep my Lexus?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Paula Loughlin
December 16, 2011

The Little Myrmidon, If you have a Lexus you will be upgraded to a Bishop. Please select your SEE from the enclosed brochure.

A Senior Priest,

I wonder if these womyn turned to playing priest when the local animal shelter put a kabosh on their cat adoptions.

Paula Loughlin
December 16, 2011

Oh and I have always been certifiable, didn’t need to become a priest to know that.

FW Ken
December 16, 2011
The Little Myrmidon
December 16, 2011

A bishopess!! Hot dog! I’m gonna run out and get me some neat bishop-y gear. Maybe I’ll make it into Chris’s Bad Vestments site.

Daniel Muller
December 16, 2011

Another one gone. At least she had a little more integrity.

Lone Star
December 16, 2011

Lipstick on someone serving (faux) Holy Communion is just wrong.

Martial Artist
December 16, 2011

@Allen Lewis,

Seems like they are still “playing mass” and have not yet given up childish ways.”

I believe that is what the psychiatric community defines as “arrested development.”

Pax et bonum,
Keith Töpfer

Kathleen Lundquist
December 16, 2011

I’m gonna frame my Certification and put it on the wall right next to my PhD in Nuclear Physics from the University of the Cayman Islands. Only $40! What a deal! And it’s so purty and makes me feel good! (/sarc)


Kathleen Lundquist
December 16, 2011

And thank you, Denise, for the ‘palate cleanser’ – very refreshing indeed.

[…] MCJ, where Chris Johnson has a very, very funny takedown of this.) GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); […]

The young fogey
December 16, 2011

Daniel Muller,

I agree with you and the writer.

Who else is not surprised she’s old?

December 17, 2011

Little Myrmidon, of course you can keep your Lexus – just make sure you join the proper religious order, as this joke from a collection compiled by a Real Live Jesuit demonstrates:

A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, “How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?”
The Franciscan asked “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”
The Jesuit asked “What’s a novena?”


Ed the Roman
December 17, 2011

The Franciscans favorite grace:

“Blessed are you, Lord our God.
You fill us with the hope of your Son’s return on glory.
You nourish us with his light and call us to goodness.
Through our sharing in this meal,
May we always give you thanks and praise.
We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

Jesuit favorite grace:

“You DO have 1964 Chateau Latour? Thank GOD!”

Dominican favorite grace:


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