ECB’s straight off the HOBD listserve. Full bore argumentation style and everything! What a coup, Christopher, for a New Year’s Eve. Congrats!

Dear ECB, what percentage of my pledge goes to pay for your salary? And where do we return the empties?

“Missouri’s had a long tradition of inanimate objects as bishops dating all the way back to Hays Rockwell.”
While I got a good chuckle out of that Johnson, you’re really not going back that far.

Great satire, although (sniff) as usual, I wasn’t mentioned (sniff.) But it’s OK, really. Really. It’s OK. (sniff)

TLM
Get used to it. MJC only deals with the big stuff.

Cheers

Hey, I think I found a loophole! (Thanks once more to the 1906 “Catholic Encyclopaedia” online)

“Of consecration proper the Roman Pontifical contains one of persons, that is of a bishop, and four of things, that is, of a fixed altar, of an altar-stone, of a church, and of a chalice and paten…If we except the consecration of a bishop, which is a sacrament…all the other consecrations are sacramentals. These are inanimate things which are not susceptible of Divine grace, but are a medium of its communication, since by their consecration they acquire a certain spiritual power by which they are rendered in perpetuum fit and suitable for Divine worship. (St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa theol., III:83:3, ad 3 and 4.)”

So may an inanimate object be consecrated? The answer has to be “yes”; Empty Coke Bottle could, if you squint and look sideways with the light behind it, be considered something in the nature of a ‘chalice’ (i.e. a vessel the purpose of which is to contain, or which is used for containing, or has previously contained, potable liquids).

Since Empty Coke Bottle can indeed and may even actually be consecrated, the question therefore shifts to “May an inanimate object be consecrated to the episcopate?”

Mmmm – well, if we can decide whether or not Empty Coke Bottle has indeed been validly ordained, then that would settle it, since “The consecration of a bishop marks the plenitude of the priesthood” and moreover, “Episcopal jurisdiction is acquired by the act of election and confirmation or by definite appointment, whilst the fullness of the priestly power itself is obtained in consecration, as the completion of hierarchical orders.”

So it would seem feasible to state that (1) Empty Coke Bottle is indeed consecrated (as a thing, not a person) and (2) Empty Coke Bottle does indeed possess episcopal juridisction (whatever the status of his or its priestly abilities) and thus is perfectly entitled to the rank and title of “Bishop” in an administrative, if not spiritual, sense.

Hey, I think we’ve just found the next Bishop of Northern Michigan!

Memo to Christopher: Missouri ain’t the only diocese led my an inanimate object. Not by a long shot!

A century ago, Bp. F. Kinsmen, Episcopal bishop of Deleware, a staunch Anglo-catholic and eventually a Roman Catholic layman, complained that the canons of the Episcopal Church and the traditions of Anglicanism in general made him not a catholic bishop, but a social chairman. I forget the exact words, but that was the gist of it and he might as well have said “Empty Coke Bottle”. It’s a problem.

All Christian communions have their share of time servers and bureaucrats posing as bishops, preachers, and pastors. But the structured liturgy, the fabulous vestments, and, above all, the canons, protect the Episcopalian clergy from having to be realChristian leaders. It’s a credit to their individual merit when they rise above the level of an empty coke bottle and actually preach the gospel.

I wonder if the shining light of those individuals in the corporate darkness are not what keeps so many of us attached to the Anglican ethos. When it’s good, it’s very very good, after all.

Best wishes for the rest of Christmas and for a Happy New Year!

Again I must protest this deliberate and unjust exclusion of Empty Pepsi Bottles from the Office of Bishop. When will other equally-deserving vessels be allowed the opportunity? Do we really think only Empty Coke Bottles are gifted in such a way to serve the church? Are not other recyclable cola containers likewise enabled by the Spirit to occupy leadership roles? And what of my close friend, Full Whiskey Bottle? He has faithfully served the church for generations, and yet he is kept hidden from view. It is time to unlock the liquor cabinet door! There are many containers who suffer unjust oppression at the hands of the Coca-Colarchy. If TEC is truly an Inclusive church, then it must extend its reach across the soft drink aisle, and beyond.

EPB

I demand equality and full access to all the sacraments for Diet Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew and all other carbonated beverages which have suffered so much in the past from discriminatory marketing practices and the phobias of an intolerant and bigoted populace.

We have enough evidence that sodas are born with their flavorings and do not choose to reduce their own calories, forego caramel coloring, increase or decrease their caffeine. Nor do they select what artificial coloring or flavor will make them most appealing to the masses. They are in short. Stuck with what they got.

Who is willing to deny that Christ never said anything about soda, pop, cola, soft drinks or the like? Can we be certain that he never cracked open a Mountain Dew so he could get an all important caffeine boost before those long bouts of preaching? No we don’t. Christ would have welcomed all carbonated beverages.

I am fairly certain the 1979 Baptismal covenant can be construed to mean any person or object must be accepted as a candidate for ordination. It then follows that should they desire to be named a Bishop or heck even Metropolitan or Pope they darn well better get the miter. If not it is proof enough of those who oppose the consecration being big mean poopy heads who just want to spoil everybody’s else’s fun.

So says Bishop Belch.

I am willing to accept full inclusion of all cola and non cola beverages. I will concede that we must reach out and also include full whisky bottle. What I will not ever accept is the mixing of the two.

Any whisky that is not fit for drinking solo and which must be made palatable by adding cola should be used only for snake bite, removing bullets and perhaps removing paint. But it is surely not fit for drinking.

And if you ever dare to mix Cognac and Cola in my presence you will be dispatched to a lunar crater forewith.

Ah, but Paula –

I object to your objection to the marriage of Whiskey and Cola. If they love each other, who are we to keep them apart? If I sometimes enjoy mixing a splash of regular Cherry Coke with my mostly diet Coke, what impediment, canon, or arbitrary law of God should prevent me from adding a splash of Seagram’s if I so desire? Jesus never said anything about hard- and soft-drink mixing – and if He did, I’m sure He’d be inclusive as all get out.

If you’re against Mixing, you’re against Love! You’re a mean poopy head!

Kathleen, I hate having to stop kicking puppies and teasing kittens even for the brief time it takes to answer your accusation and to correct your folly.

God does not love everybody because of their soda sins but in spite of them. Despite the desire of some to turn God into the Big Cuddly in the sky He does still have standards. Which means getting a hold of yourself woman and pouring that Diet Coke down the drain lest you be tempted to add it to the Seagrams.

The evidence of these standards can be seen in all of creation. The birds of the air, the flowers of the field, the stars in their heaven, the Irish.

God gave us the Irish for the very purpose so many seem to take lightly here. The first is to give us superior whisky. The second is to give us superior poetry. To tolerate the existence of bad whisky or the adulteration of good whisky is something all good Irish must protest. I mean look what happened when no one stood against Rod McKuen.

I mean I can think of no other reason for God to have created the Irish. So surely God meant whisky to be good and He did not plan on you messing with the very laws of nature by mucking it up with a lot of horrid saccharine laden carbonated glorified cough syrup flavored caramel colored pablam fit only for nurslings and invalids.

See you made me lose me temper and I have already let the wee bairn of the puppy take his nap. I’ll have to wake him up with a nudge of my shoe.

Drink Canada Dry!

Cheers

anada Ry! Bah! Humbug. I’m a vernor’s man, when I can get it. Poured over Blue Bell ice cream and it’s heaven.

Ok, my keyboard is messing up. Some of the caps aren’t working.

canada dry, of course.

Paula, I am delighted by your staunch defence of the equal participation of all carbonated beverages, regardless of place of manufacture, in the life of the Church.

I also applaud your recognition of the sterling service that spirits have provided in both lay and clerical support – indeed, do we not rely upon the inspiration of the Spirit in all things?

While I am honoured by your wonderful praise of the contribution my nation has made to the Body of Christ, I must take issue with you regarding what you termed the “mixing” of both hard and soft drinks. Now, for myself, I agree that cola should be kept for rum and only ginger ale is the proper partner for whiskey, but nevertheless – as someone who rightly pointed out that “sodas are born with their flavorings” and that no beverage chooses its constituent elements, how can you then turn your back on the grave justice issue of the so-called ‘mixed’?

These drinks have been created by their maker with the attributes of both species of potation. Why should their gifts be denied? Why should they be denied access to the ministry? If we have come to a rapprochement on the rights of both hard and soft drinks to a place at the table, if we can welcome the call to come out of the cabinet, why do we insist on this last bastion of prejudice?

Honestly Episcopalians should not have to told this stuff but being a fellow Catholic I will pardon your well meaning by naive question. And answer you as gently and as candidly as possible.

We do not do such things for the very same reason we do not wear white shoes after Labor Day or before Memorial Day. Or that we do not use a teaspoon for our soup or the salad fork for our entree. Or that one never ignores an RSVP. Some things simply are not done. The consequences are too ghastly to contemplate. Do you want to return to total savagery? I thought not.

What you regard as a gift, right thinking people regard as a sorrowful statement on the fall of liquid libations. The elevation of such to the office of Bishop in the Episcopal Church is evidence enough of that. No doubt they are hoping to find someone to channel Arius so that they may elevate him to the office too. And wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth to all those who yammer on about valid orders.

Dear Paula, alas! You have discovered my secret!

Well, it’s a New Year, so I will no longer live in shame and secrecy – I’m out, I’m proud, I’m bi-potable!

I admit it – nay, I glory in it! I have had a long-standing attraction to both hard and soft drinks since the age of maturity.

As a child, and under the influence of community pressure and the expectations our society foists upon us in the crushing vise of so-called ‘normative’ experience, I confined myself to soft drinks and indeed, for a long time, was content to do so.

But as I grew older, I felt that there was something lacking, something more that I needed. Making the transition to hard drinks was easy, but still – this didn’t satisfy me. I could not so easily pigeon-hole myself into either of the ‘acceptable’ categories.

And so I stand before you today, determined to be honest, determined no longer to hide as though my wants and desires are something to be ashamed of – yes, I mix my drinks! Indeed, I have mingled the cola with the rum, the whiskey with the ginger ale, the gin with the tonic and the vodka with the orange!

Empty Pepsi Bottle, Full Whisky Bottle – I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you in your struggle for full acceptance, and I urge you to unite your endeavours!

Though please confine those same endeavours to the Episcopalian church – after all, we’re Catholics and we have to maintain *some* standards

Alas, poor ECB has no vestments and is in deed naked like the infamous emperor before him/her/it/whatever.

Fuinseoig
After such a heartfelt and spirited admission of your integrity I think there is only one thing to do. Please pick up your Oven Mitt Mitre at the courtesy desk.

Paula, there is one area you and I can agree on: the party of the Transfluidic.

Non-alcoholic beer? De-alcoholised wine? Those who torment the plain sense of Scripture to make it that all references to “fruit of the vine” do not actually mean ‘wine’ but instead ‘grape juice’?

Some things are just going too far!

“Can I buy you a drink?… I see you have one… I shall get myself one…another kahlua and ginger ale!”

–Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau, in Return of the Pink Panther.

Ah I have always admired Bottle+’s transparency.

An interview with ECB+ is really The Pause That Refreshes. Or is that the other one?

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