YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

Thursday, November 27th, 2008 | Uncategorized

Vous parlez au bureau du Saint-siège.  Usted está hablando a la oficina de la Santa Sede.  Sie sprechen mit dem Büro des Heiligen Stuhls.  You are speaking to the office of the Holy See. 

Pour parler à quelqu’un en français, presse 1.  Para hablar alguien en español, prensa 2.  Zu mit jemand auf Deutsch sprechen, Presse 3.  To speak to someone in English, press 4…”

[4]

“Holy See.”

“Hello, my name is Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the United States of America and I’d like to speak with the Vatican Secretary of State.”

“What would be the purpose of this call?”

“I would like to arrange a meeting between myself and His Holiness.  I feel that the meeting between two important religious leaders would send a clear message to the world that…”

“Who would be the other religious leader besides the Holy Father?”

“Uh…me.”

“I see.  All visits with the Holy Father must be arranged by letter sent to…”

“Well, you see, I tried that and got no answer.  I kept getting the run-around, almost as if my letters were routed other places or something.”

“I’m terribly sorry about that.  You know how inefficient the Vatican Postal Service can be.”

“I’d heard it was one of the finest in the world.”

“It’s gone downhill lately.  But hang on and I’ll see if I can connect you.”

“Thank you.  ‘Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking…’”

Vous parlez au bureau de tourisme de Saint-siège.  Usted está hablando a la oficina de turismo de Santa Sede.  Sie sprechen mit dem heiliger Stuhl-touristischen Büro.  State parlando all’ufficio turistico della sedia santa.  You are speaking to the Holy See Tourist Office.

Pour parler à quelqu’un en français, presse 1.  Para hablar alguien en español, prensa 2.  Zu mit jemand auf Deutsch sprechen, Presse 3.  Per per parlare a qualcuno in italiano, pressa 4.  To speak to someone in English, press 5…”

[4] “Oh, crap!!”

Che cosa avete detto, signora?”

“I pressed the wrong key.”

Che cosa?”

“Oh for crying out loud, how does it go?  Ho…premuto…il  tasto…er…errato.  And I’m not trying to arrange a trip, I’m trying to talk to the…listen, do you have anyone there who speaks English?”

Inglese?”

“Yes…sì, sì.”

Un momento, signora.”

“‘Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking…’”

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the United States of America.  To whom am I speaking?”

“To me.”

“And who are…what might…your name be?”

“Howard Fabermeyer.”

“And what is your position with the Vatican?”

“My goodness, I’m not connected to the Vatican in any way.  Mrs. Fabermeyer and I are Baptists.”

“Then why am I talking to you?”

“I don’t know.  This nice fellow here at the Tourist Office told me that some woman needed to talk to someone who could speak English.”

“Mr. Fabermeyer, this is costing me a lot of money…”

“See, my wife and I had just stopped in for some maps.  What with the farm in WaKeeney and all, Mrs. Fabermeyer and I have never traveled much.  A weekend in Topeka now and then, Kansas City if Mrs. Fabermeyer’s feeling particularly frisky.

“Mr. Fabermeyer, I really don’t…”

“But what with winning the Kansas lottery and all, we figured why not?  I’m retired and only run the farm part-time now anyway and Mrs. Fabermeyer’s always wanted to see Europe.  Rome sure has been interesting, gosh darn it, what with all their history and empire and pasta and such.”

CLICK!!  Dialdialdial…

Vous parlez au bureau du Saint-siège. Usted está hablando a la oficina de la Santa Sede.. Sie sprechen mit dem Büro des heiligen Stuhls. State parlando all’ufficio della Santa Sede. You are speaking to the office of the Holy See.

Notre menu a changé satisfont ainsi prêtent l’attention. Nuestro menú ha cambiado satisface tan presta la atención. Unser Menü hat gefallen so zahlen Aufmerksamkeit geändert. Il nostro menu è cambiato così soddisfa presta attenzione. Our menu has changed so please pay attention.

Se você deseja falar a alguém no português, a imprensa 1.  Εάν επιθυμείτε να μιλήσετε σε κάποιο στα ελληνικά, Τύπος 2.  Als u om aan iemand in het Nederlands wenst te spreken, pers 3.  Поговорить к кто-то в русском, давление 4.”

Oh for the love of…

“If you wish to speak to someone in English, press 26.”

[26!!]

“Holy See.”

“Look, this is Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the United States of America!  I’ve been trying to contact the Vatican Secretary of State to arrange a visit between myself and His Holiness!”

“Oh yes, we spoke before.”

“I KNOW we spoke before, a-hole!!  I haven’t gotten through yet, okay?!!  I’ve talked to the Vatican Tourist Office and some idiot from Kansas and I’ve just about HAD IT!!

“I’m terribly sorry, Bishop Schori.  We’ve been having all kinds of trouble with our new voice mail system.  The Holy Father’s furious about it.  Please remain on the line and I’ll put you right through to the Office of the Secretary of State.”

“In English?”

“Certainly, Bishop.”

“Thank you.  Thank you very much.  ‘Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking…’”

“Hello.  You have reached the Office of the Vatican Secretary of State.  The Secretary of State is not in his office at the present time.  Please leave your name, telephone number and a detailed message and the Secretary will get back to you as soon as he can.”

#@%$&#$&@#%$&!!

32 Comments to YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

The Pilgrim
November 27, 2008

Wonderful! Thank you. It always help to start the day with a good laugh along with my prayers.

Would it be possible — as long as you brought them up — to reprise “the letters?” They were some of your best writing!

PMcGrath
November 27, 2008

A superb spoof.

Two problems though. The Vatican doesn’t have a voicemail system. Instead, as the L.A. Times and other outlets recently reported, it has human operators. The best kind. Multilingual nuns.

Also, I understand that Cardinal Bertone, the Secretary of State, does not speak English.

Allen Lewis
November 27, 2008

I see you spend a lot of time talking with (or attempting to talk with) Tech Support. Aren’t those new menus where you can speak your choice just wonderful? Especially since they never really have a category that is useful!

Marvelous satire, Chris. Very lifelike!

David Fischler
November 27, 2008

Except for Schori’s parts–she’s not the least bit life-like. :-)

kb9gzg
November 27, 2008

Her id-ness should include with her other magnificent title that she’s the “primate” of all episcopalianism…. Yah, that’d be her ticket.

Bro. AJK
November 27, 2008

I fell off the bed reading “Our options have recently changed” and then see Greek and Cyrillic letters.

Fuinseoig
November 27, 2008

*laughing too hard to type*

Having attempted to navigate the Holy See’s website in order to look up various encyclicals, this rings all too true :-)

dwstroudmd
November 27, 2008

Excellent! I suppose the use of the term “bishop” in the last exchange was a colloquialism in Italian for “bi*ch up” since I doubt the former is meant?

Great Thanksgiving fare! Just another reason to start the day with the M…C…J!!!

Sasha
November 27, 2008

The Italian word for “bishop”, IIRC, is “vescovo”. [Archbishop = "arcivescovo"]

Beautiful way to get a laugh (and why would ANYBODY in the Vatican care to have anything to do with Ms. Schori-Jefferts, the nominal head of a minor pseudo-Protestant, post-Christian {i.e., no longer “Christian”} denomination degenerated into a cult??)…

Sasha
November 27, 2008

The only thing needing to be changed is that surely one would not be giving a “Korean” option for Russian speakers!

[...] YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US “See, my wife and I had just stopped in for some maps. What with the farm in WaKeeney and all, Mrs. Fabermayer and I have never traveled much. A weekend in Topeka now and then, Kansas City if Mrs. Fabermayer’s feeling frisky. … [...]

Christopher Johnson
November 27, 2008

Thanks, Sasha. I fixed it(I think). I knew I’d mess one of these up.

:-)

Duane
November 27, 2008

Also, I understand that Cardinal Bertone, the Secretary of State, does not speak English.

Looking at some of the PB’s bleatings, I question whether she speaks English.

Fuinseoig
November 27, 2008

Well, you never know, Christopher: there could well be Korean-speaking Russians out there :-)

muerknz
November 27, 2008

Wasn’t KJS busy when the Holy Father was in America and she was invited to be there with him at a Mass?

Sasha
November 27, 2008

How right you are, muerknz (about Mrs. Schori being “busy” when she was invited to meet His Holiness Benedict XVI on his visit to the USA)!!!

Mr. Christopher Johnson, you’re most welcome – you’re so good with satire that it’s a pleasureable duty to help tweak out the little gremlins that come up thanks to our humanness so others with baser intentions can’t nail you that easily…

Sasha
November 27, 2008

Possible correction: “Pogovorítj s któ-tom po-rússkom” (or “po-rússki”). After all, when one says in Russian to speak a language, the idea in English can be rendered “to speak in the manner of [a] nation.

Thus, although a Russian thing/object/person is “rússkiy” (e.g., “rússkiy chjelovjék”), speaking a language is “po-” (e.g., “rússki, francúski, angljíski,” etc.). [The last bit - "angljíski" - in my system would have the 'j' with NO dot on the top as it's not a written character but a dialect-related tip relative to pronunciation...]

[To keep things simple, I've opted to do everything in the Latin alphabet using my (somewhat-simplified) transliteration system.]

FW Ken
November 27, 2008

Of course, if asked, the Holy Father would certainly make time to meet Herself. He’s spent time with Fr. Hans Kung and a variety heretics and atheists.

Therese Z
November 27, 2008

“Girl from Ipanema…” PRICELESS! Happy Thanksgiving you witty, witty man!

state maps | Dell.com
November 27, 2008

[...] YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US “See, my wife and I had just stopped in for some maps. What with the farm in WaKeeney and all, Mrs. Fabermayer and I have never traveled much. A weekend in Topeka now and then, Kansas City if Mrs. Fabermayer’s feeling frisky. … [...]

GB
November 28, 2008

You have out-done yourself again with this one Chris! Have you ever thought of doing a comic strip? I almost spilled my breakfast on the keyboard I was laughing so hard.

Floridian
November 28, 2008

What I cannot understand, however, is that the Vatican/Benedict XVI and Kasper have time for Williams…who is Shori’s sock puppet.

Allen Lewis
November 28, 2008

Floridian -
What I cannot understand, however, is that the Vatican/Benedict XVI and Kasper have time for Williams…who is Shori’s sock puppet.

What you have said is quite true. However, Dr. Williams does carry the title of one of the ancient important Sees of Rome. It is that item which merits the ABC the face time with the Pope, not his qualifications.

You notice that Rome had no problem breaking off the ARCIC talks while +Griswold was a part of them. Once the C of E officially consecrates as bishop, someone in a same sex relation, you will find that Rome just gives up on ARCIC altogether.

Why they have not done so before this point is, I must admit, a good question. Perhaps they are using that to keep the C of E from self-destructing. Although it is doing a fine job of just that very thing.

FW Ken
November 28, 2008

If memory serves, Paul VI gave the ABC of his time (Coggins? Runcie?) an episcopal ring. He (Paul) also thought enough of the Office now held by Rowan Williams to write and discourage the Anglicans from beginning the ordination of women to the priesthood.

Williams got a 20 minute photo-op on his last trip to Rome. That’s how far things have gone in less than 40 years.

GB
November 28, 2008

The CofE side has gone right ahead enacting its unique agenda while at the same time conducting official talks with the Vatican. They are obviously on two different, though maybe parallel tracks. By this time the Romans must wonder whether to laugh or to cry everytime the subject of Anglicanism is brought up.

Christopher Johnson
November 28, 2008

I wonder why Rome still talks to the Anglicans at all. Was it Walter Kasper who told the Anglicans that they’re going to have to decide just what it is that they believe, whether they’re Protestants or Catholics? Were I in charge of ecumenical discussions on the Catholic side, I’d tell my gracious lord of Canterbury that when Anglicanism gets its act together, you have our number but until then, don’t use it. But that’s just me.

William Tighe
November 28, 2008

Paul VI gave his ring to Archbishop Ramsey in 1966 or 1970. Ramsey left it at his death to the Canterbury archbishopric as a perpetual “heirloom,” and when the present AbC visited JP II in Oct. 2003 or 04 (a visit that got Evangelical Anglicans in a tizzy when the AbC spontaneously knelt and kissed the pope’s ring, and the pope lifted up the AbC’s hand and kissed his ring) he was wearing that same ring.

The Pilgrim
November 28, 2008

“You notice that Rome had no problem breaking off the ARCIC talks while +Griswold was a part of them. Once the C of E officially consecrates as bishop, someone in a same sex relation, you will find that Rome just gives up on ARCIC altogether.”

They have. At the time of Robinson’s alleged consecration, the ARCIC was working on one paper, a report on the place of Marian theology in the worship of the two churches. That paper was released in 2003, and the Pope put further meetings “on hold” indefinitely.

GB
November 29, 2008

W.T., I didn’t know that Rowan Williams had genuflected to the Pope at any time. It is a rather empty gesture if he doesn’t intend to do what it represents–that is, to be obedient, and he certainly has not been.

Kozaburo
November 30, 2008

And if you think that’s bad, you should have heard the phone call to the Ecumenical Patriarch!

“Hello, my name is Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the United States of America and I’d like to speak with the Ecumenical Patriarch.”

CLICK

lol

PMcGrath
December 1, 2008

Chris, you might want to check out those comments above linking to the “mygamesok.com” domain. I tried to visit one and it was blocked, with a warning sign that the site was a “malware” distributor.

The Editor
December 1, 2008

Thanks for the heads-up. I went in and pulled them.

Support The MCJ

Search

Links

Meta