Posted by Christopher Johnson | Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 | Uncategorized | 28 Comments

You can stop worrying.  Someone named Stefanie Iris Weiss has come up with one more way for leftist greenies to feel smugly and nauseatingly self-righteous:

If you truly love the Earth, then you must learn how to make eco-friendly, sustainable love.

Put another way … green sex.

That’s the message from writer Stefanie Iris Weiss, who’s pushing the Prius version of l’amore to a nation hooked on Hummer love.

Uh huh.  How do people do that?  First, you lose the birth control pills.

“Hormone-based birth control is a landmine of horribleness,” the Manhattan-based author said. “It’s bad for the body, and marine life. Hormones get excreted into the water, and fish are becoming hermaphrodites.”

That explains why the mahi-mahi I had the other night tasted a little odd.  Then what?

For women, she recommends IUDs, and for men, seek out “fair-trade” latex condoms that give the Third World a little love.

Fair-trade latex condoms.  I think it’s safe to say that those four words have never appeared in that order in any English-language sentence before.

But I don’t see this idea going over very well.  If I were a woman, I know I wouldn’t want to tell my horny husband/boyfriend that he’s not getting any tonight because his rubbers are 100% American.

And when you and your significant other are between the sheets, make sure the sheets that the two of you are between aren’t harming the planet.

In a section titled “Sleeping with the Enemy,” Weiss advises stripping the bedroom of chemical-soaked mattresses and pillows, and replacing them with less-toxic fibers. She also helps consumers sift through the sometimes dizzying ingredient list on even the most “natural” of beauty products.

But all work and no play makes Jack a dull greenie.

There’s a section on seductive vegan meals and pesticide-free aphrodisiacs.

Seductive vegan.  There’s another phrase that no one has ever written before.  And to be honest with you, if I ever found an actual aphrodisiac, I wouldn’t care if it was made out of puppies.  In case you’re not yet ready to throw up, Weiss finishes strong.

“I’m trying to bring some pleasure into going green,“ said Weiss, 39, a longtime vegetarian. “I don’t want people to read this and think of Al Gore, pointing his finger. I want people to see this as a nice organic chocolate bon-bon.”

Organic chocolate bon-bon.  Man, we are breaking some exciting new rhetorical ground here.  Anyway, I know what you’re thinking so I wandered over to the Episcopal Organization’s online bookstore just now and this book isn’t listed there.



Christopher Hathaway
April 22, 2010

There are two standard kinds of “green sex”.

The first is the traditional when where the man pays a woman to have sex with him.

The second is where the man pretends to believe everything the woman does so she will see him as a kindrid soul and sleep with him out of radical solidarity.

J.M. Heinrichs
April 22, 2010
April 22, 2010

Where in the hell do you find this crap?

Christopher Johnson
April 22, 2010

Here and there.

Dr Alice
April 22, 2010

“I don’t want people to read this and think of Al Gore, pointing his finger.”

Now *that’s* organic birth control! Lie back and think of Al Gore.

April 22, 2010

If Algore told me today’s date, gave me 20 calendars and fifty news papers to prove it, I would not believe him.

April 22, 2010

🙂 Dr. Alice! Is that like lying back and thinking about trimming a hat?

April 22, 2010

Seductive vegan? Hold the beans, garlic and cabbage.

Allen Lewis
April 22, 2010

Personally, thinking about Al Gore would render me impotent.

Reckon that would be green enough for this Fruit Loop;&trade author?

Allen Lewis
April 22, 2010

Excuse me, the above should have read Fruit Loop™

Marie Blocher
April 22, 2010

Green sex…
Is that um, like sex with orcs?

April 22, 2010

Wow! I didn’t realize we Papists were so green. We always been against hormonal contraception. We even recommend an alternative, Natural Family Planning. However, as I wrote several years ago, Natural Family Planning is not an organic alternative to the pill. However, NFP does improve marriages. Couples who utilize NFP have a markedly lower rate of divorce.

I also saw an environmental group advocating one meatless day per week to cut down on the consumption of beef and therefore the need for so many methane emitting cows. We Catholics have been doing that for centuries.

And when it comes to carbon footprints, I just love the pitter patter of little carbon footprints.

FW Ken
April 22, 2010

It’s not fair. I had to put up with this popular, phony environmentalism once already – was it the 60s or the 70s? I shouldn’t have to put up with it again, made worse by the “advances” in technology with 24 hours news and entertainment and who-can-tell-the-difference?

Yes, boys and girls… TV channels used to sign off at night.

Ok, now that’s off my chest, no one taking a potshot at Al Gore is all bad.

April 22, 2010

Didn’t Captain Kirk have green sex? See! Star Trek truly was ahead of its time…

Christopher Johnson
April 22, 2010

Ah, the old TV station sign-off days. I actually used to look forward to listening to the National Anthem and watching all those American scenes. Here’s one version.

FW Ken
April 22, 2010

Ah, but Christopher, wasn’t it fun to stay up all night when that first station played old reruns till dawn on weekend nights only! If we had only known it was the end of civilization as we knew it.

Christopher Johnson
April 22, 2010

Yup. Now it’s informercials.

Steve L.
April 22, 2010

Fair-trade latex condoms

I forget how to post links, but here you are.


April 23, 2010

Puppies…stifled snickering. 😀

April 23, 2010

Green sex and no one thought of cucumbers?

April 23, 2010

The sheep are not going to like this. Sheepskins do not just hang on walls, ya know!

April 23, 2010

I must contests this objectification of veggies… The cucs cannot defend themselves! How can we as loving christians (lower case intentional) single out a good, well-meaning veggie for such a slanderous attack. Being demeaned to the status of a sexual object cannot be allowed… shame1 shame!

And to lash out in such a manner against poor benighted sheep… that is BAAAAAAAD really BAAAAAAD

34 school days and counting…

The Little Myrmidon
April 23, 2010

Good link, Christopher. Made me tear up.

April 23, 2010

If you’re having something called “green sex” then all that comes to mind for me is a visit to the doctor for a very healthy script involving antibiotics.

diane in nc with a small d
April 23, 2010

Dr. Alice and Katherine: Is that like lying back and asking, “Did you remember to wind the clock?”? (pedantic show-off allusion to Tristram Shandy

diane in nc with a small d
April 23, 2010

darn, I knew I’d get it wrong…so much for being a pedantic showoff.

Correct quote: “Pray, my dear, quoth my mother, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?”

Can’t read that without cracking up. LOL!

CS Baillie
April 26, 2010

What the world needs now/
Is love and aphrodisiacs/
It’s the only thing/
That will satisfy the Greenie quacks/
What the world needs now/
Is lots and lots of eco-sex /
With the birth control/
Made to Fair-Trade iffy specs/

No, our world doesn’t need synthetic rubber/
But allergic to natural is no excuse/
The Devout must endure till the end of time/
With itchy rash from latex-sex-abuse/

Not for everyone, oh, no, but just for some/

Free Canuckistan!
April 30, 2010

[…] LET’S GIT IT ON (IN AN ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE MANNER)– You can stop worrying. Someone named Stefanie Iris Weiss has come up with one more way for […]

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