Posted by Christopher Johnson | Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 | Uncategorized | 28 Comments
You can stop worrying. Someone named Stefanie Iris Weiss has come up with one more way for leftist greenies to feel smugly and nauseatingly self-righteous:
If you truly love the Earth, then you must learn how to make eco-friendly, sustainable love.
Put another way … green sex.
That’s the message from writer Stefanie Iris Weiss, who’s pushing the Prius version of l’amore to a nation hooked on Hummer love.
Uh huh. How do people do that? First, you lose the birth control pills.
“Hormone-based birth control is a landmine of horribleness,” the Manhattan-based author said. “It’s bad for the body, and marine life. Hormones get excreted into the water, and fish are becoming hermaphrodites.”
That explains why the mahi-mahi I had the other night tasted a little odd. Then what?
For women, she recommends IUDs, and for men, seek out “fair-trade” latex condoms that give the Third World a little love.
Fair-trade latex condoms. I think it’s safe to say that those four words have never appeared in that order in any English-language sentence before.
But I don’t see this idea going over very well. If I were a woman, I know I wouldn’t want to tell my horny husband/boyfriend that he’s not getting any tonight because his rubbers are 100% American.
And when you and your significant other are between the sheets, make sure the sheets that the two of you are between aren’t harming the planet.
In a section titled “Sleeping with the Enemy,” Weiss advises stripping the bedroom of chemical-soaked mattresses and pillows, and replacing them with less-toxic fibers. She also helps consumers sift through the sometimes dizzying ingredient list on even the most “natural” of beauty products.
But all work and no play makes Jack a dull greenie.
There’s a section on seductive vegan meals and pesticide-free aphrodisiacs.
Seductive vegan. There’s another phrase that no one has ever written before. And to be honest with you, if I ever found an actual aphrodisiac, I wouldn’t care if it was made out of puppies. In case you’re not yet ready to throw up, Weiss finishes strong.
“I’m trying to bring some pleasure into going green,“ said Weiss, 39, a longtime vegetarian. “I don’t want people to read this and think of Al Gore, pointing his finger. I want people to see this as a nice organic chocolate bon-bon.”
Organic chocolate bon-bon. Man, we are breaking some exciting new rhetorical ground here. Anyway, I know what you’re thinking so I wandered over to the Episcopal Organization’s online bookstore just now and this book isn’t listed there.