SCAREDY CAT

Thursday, March 25th, 2010 | Uncategorized

“Hello?”

“Hello.  My name is __________ and I work in the office of Congressman Russ Carnahan.”

“What can I do for you, Mr. __________?”

“If I’m not mistaken, you live near the Congressman, don’t you?”

“I live right across the street.  None of us here in the neighborhood agree with him about much of anything but we don’t let that get in the way.  We all him over for cookouts or take in a Cardinal game now and then, stuff like that.  Russ is a good guy.”

“That’s nice to know, sir.  Anyway, I was wondering if…”

“Gotta say, Russ’s chrysanthemums are looking great this year.  Wish I could get mine to do that well.  And the nasturtiums he put in last spring are a really nice touch.  I didn’t think they would be but they are.”

“I’ll pass that on to the Congressman, sir.  Anyway, as to the reason for this call, I’d like to know if you’ve been following the recent health care debate.”

“Very much so.  I’ve been to three tea parties and one town hall, the one where Kenneth Gladney was assaulted by those punk-ass bitches from SEIU.” 

“Sir?”

“I asked Russ if he’d actually read the bill and he said he hadn’t so when the bill became more-or-less finalized by the Senate last Christmas Eve, I bought a copy for him.”

“Sir?

“In case you’re wondering, he hasn’t read the thing yet.  Last time I was over at his place, he hadn’t even taken the shrink wrap off and was using it as a doorstop.”

“That’s very interesting, sir.  Anyway, I was wondering if you were as concerned as I am about some of the overheated, extreme, completely out-of-hand and even violent rhetoric that’s been heard during and after this debate.”

“Damn right I’m concerned.  This kind of thing can prompt emotionally unstable people into all sorts of reprehensible actions.”

“I’m so glad you agree.  Talk like this can lead people to…

“Accuse opponents of the health care plan of being racists, hear racial slurs when none are uttered, claim you were spit on when you weren’t.  I hear you, man.  This kind of thing has got to stop.”

“Sir, that’s not really what I…”

“Did you know that Republican Congressman Eric Cantor’s Virginia office was shot at and that Ohio Republican Congresswoman Jean Schmidt received a vile phone threat?  Hell, somebody basically tried to kill a Republican candidate for Congress named Eddie Adams.”

“Um…so you agree that the rhetoric on all sides needs to be dialed down.”

“Oh very much so.”

“The reason for my call is that Congressman Carnahan wanted to bring up a couple of…concerns he had with you.”

“Concerns?  With me personally?”

“Sir, in the month of October following the town hall meeting you describe, Congressman Carnahan says that he saw your front yard decorated with skeletons, ghosts, coffins, things like that.”

“You mean the Halloween decorations?  My kids put those up.  They LOVE Halloween.  Me, I think it’s a pain in the ass, what with having to stay home and hand out candy, but they’re really into it so what’re you going to do?”

“Sir, Congressman Carnahan also says he could clearly see members of your family watching scary movies on your big screen TV several times that month.”

“That baby’s a 100-incher.  But so what if Russ could see what movies the kids were watching?”

“Sir, all those things, the so-called decorations, the movies, are symbolic of death.  And Congressman Carnahan could clearly see them.”

“Once again.  So?”

“Sir, Congressman Carnahan ‘appreciates thoughtful feedback received both in favor and opposition of health insurance reform’ and believes that we can have a thoughtful debate ‘without resorting to this kind of thing.’”

“What kind of thing?”

“The kind of overheated symbolism you displayed inside and outside your home last October which was clearly directed at the Congressman.”

“Overheated symbolism?  What the hell are you talking about?  It’s absolutely crazy to think that my kids’ Halloween decorations or the movies they enjoy constitute any kind of a…HANNNGG on a second.”

“What?” 

“You’re talking about last October.  Everybody’s getting bent out of shape about language right now.  So that can only mean one thing.  Russ isn’t scared of anyone’s political rhetoric.”

“He is too.”

“Russ actually is scared of ghosts and skeletons and coffins and vampires and werewolves and stuff.  He thinks scary movies are really happening.  My God.  Russ Carnahan is an absolute wuss.”

“The Congressman most certainly is not!!  And it isn’t at all helpful for you to characterize his perfectly valid concerns about…”

“Good God, how does the man make it through the day?   Look over there, wuss, I mean Russ.  A cemetery.  They bury dead people there, Russ.  Booga, booga, booga.”

“Sir, that’s not…”

“Of course, I guess these days it would be different.  Look over there, wuss, I mean Russ.  A cemetery.  Overheated right-wing political rhetoric.  Booga, booga, booga.”

“Stop calling the Congressman a…”

“Gotta tell you, dude, the neighborhood is never going to let Russ live this one down.  But tell him I’ll have the kids decorate the back yard for Halloween this year.  Wouldn’t want to give the little wuss nightmares.”

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