gpppRELIGION & ETHICS NEWSWEEKLY
Hello. I'm Bob Abernethy and this is Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly. Once again, the Episcopal Church finds itself embroiled in controversy as Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori finds herself accused of repeated violations of the church's canons in the recent depositions of two bishops. Here to discuss this controversy is Bishop Schori, Lexington Bishop Stacy Sauls and Bob Duncan, the Bishop of Pittsburgh and the Moderator of the Anglican Communion Network. Bishop Sauls, we'll start with you. You recently authored a memo that attempted to lay out a legal justification for the church's actions.
That's correct, Bob.Bishop, your memorandum seems to have been thoroughly debunked by several sources both in and out of the Episcopal Church. Christopher Johnson of the MCJ even referred to your memorandum as "an answer frantically searching for a question" and has begun referring to you as a sock puppet. Your response?Bob, Stacy Sauls stands behind what he wrote.Uh, Bishop? Don't you mean "I stand behind what I wrote?"Oh right, right. I stand behind what I wrote. And Stacy, er, I categorically reject any suggestion that I'm nothing more than a mouthpiece.But I understand that you've gotten some support.That's right, Bob, and it's been very heartening. I recently received the following e-mail from a person who is well-versed in Episcopal canon law. "Dear Bishop Sauls, As a person who is well-versed in Episcopal canon law, I thought your analysis of the recent depositions was outstanding. Sincerely, A Person Who Is Well-Versed In Episcopal Canon Law."Pretty impressive. Bishop Duncan, I understand that you may face deposition yourself soon. What's your reaction to this current controversy?
Well, Bob, I think it's quite clear that the Episcopal...I'm sorry, Bob, I can't do this.Can't do what? What do you mean?Katharine, I saw your lips move.
I don't know what you're talking about, Bob.And Stacy, how in the world do you manage your duties there in Lexington with somebody else's hand up your butt?Stacy Sauls resents that!! I mean, I resent that. I do.Bishop Schori, do you think that it's possible that you could face presentment?If I could just cut in here, Bishop Sauls...Uh...you are Bishop Sauls.Oh right, right. I meant to say Bishop Katharine.Katharine's over there. She's the one currently giving Bishop Sauls a prostate exam.I am not!She is not. And Bob, Stacy Sauls is really getting angry at your continuing...Giving up first-person pronouns for Lent, Stacy?If I could just get everyone back on track here. Bishop Duncan, do you think Katharine Jefferts Schori will face presentment and possible removal?We're still studying the question, Bob. Next week, I'll be talking to the Network's legal team of Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd.
Hey, shut up!!I'll also be consulting Kermit the Diocesan Chancellor.SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!Still saw your lips move, Katharine. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got actual work to do.GET BACK HERE, DUNCAN!! I AM YOUR PRESIDING BISHOP!! DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME!!That's...uh...all the time we have. Join us again next week for Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly.
Submitted by Katherine
at 6/1/2008 3:57:53 AM| Very funny, Chris! Are you certain Jefferts Schori isn't the sock puppet, though? There are several marionettes dancing, and I'm not sure exactly who's holding the strings. |
Submitted by Rick Arllen
at 6/1/2008 6:41:54 AM| Disclosing Sauls true identity as a sock puppet, is perfectly consistent with the real TEO agenda. Amateur prostate exams certainly seem to be all the rage within the revisionist TEO purple shirt crowd. Guess they are into playing doctor with each other. |
Submitted by Ken
at 6/1/2008 7:14:11 AM| That was better than coffee for waking me up. Well, no, not really... I need coffee...give me coffee... but it was really very good. :-) |
Submitted by LP
at 6/1/2008 7:21:55 AM| Just one question -- why wasn't Vicky Gene along to ask if he could have a turn at operating the sock puppet? >groan< Okay, I need coffee too. Scratch that -- make it a double espresso!
:-) |
Submitted by Allen Lewis
at 6/1/2008 8:28:56 AM| LP- That was really unworthy of you. Chris, you hit that one out of the park. Perhaps we will see the House of Squishups get some backbone come September. But I would not bet on it. |
Submitted by Andy K.
at 6/1/2008 8:55:28 AM| Chris, I see you aim to please! But, where was Bishop Robinson? Was he more than two states away? |
Submitted by Tom (St. Louis)_
at 6/1/2008 9:04:47 AM| Make note of this folks! It is one of the very rare occasions that you will see TEC (the "C" is for Club) mentioned along with the words "religion" and "ethics." |
Submitted by Fuinseoig
at 6/1/2008 10:46:30 AM| "And Stacy, how in the world do you manage your duties there in Lexington with somebody else's hand up your butt?" Oh, dear Lord! Must. Resist. Urge. To. Snark. Christopher, this was fantastic! :-) |
Submitted by Don White
at 6/1/2008 11:31:46 AM| Man, Mr. Johnson! That woulda made my Sunday if I didn't have the opportunity to preach on the Martyrs of Uganda this morning (hard to top that). I laughed 'til I stopped... wait... no, I take that back, I haven't stopped yet... There... no... Well, thanks anyway. |
Submitted by Paula Loughlin
at 6/1/2008 1:36:44 PM| Here is some very useful advise for Katie How To Be A Successful Evil Overlord. http://www.proft.org/tips/evil.html |
Submitted by Perpetua
at 6/1/2008 3:47:14 PM| So funny. Perfect. |
Submitted by dwstroudmd
at 6/1/2008 3:58:49 PM| Paula Loughlin, I fear it is too late for the Great Wearer of the Oven Mitt to benefit from all the sage advice offered in your instruction kit. There was no advice offered about the infestation of the Great Oven Mitt Wearer and underlings/hirelings being able to get free of the same, how to prevent it, or what to do to effectively die and kill off the "bug" in any of them. And, since this modern age knows better than any other what one should do, there is no danger of them actually finding the answer in either the Teastamentum Novum or Oldum. ;>) |
Submitted by Bill (not IB)
at 6/1/2008 4:00:33 PM| LP beat me to it - this smacks of being rigged; there's no "New Hampshire" content, and It's a sad day for TEO when the LBGT* struggle is upstaged by canonical issues/the voice of the PB. * I realize that "LBGT" is unreasonably narrow and exclusionary, but the term "LBGTPaPgBsIYNAM" (see below) isn't yet recognized by most people. Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender PolyAmorous PolyGamist Bestial Incestuous Youthful Necrophiliac Artificial Mechanical |
Submitted by jimmy`
at 6/1/2008 6:39:59 PM| Shouldn't is be "[her] "fist up [his] butt" I want the $5.00 worth of Bombay Sapphire back that I horked all over the scree when I read this! |
Submitted by jimmy
at 6/1/2008 6:41:17 PM| Hmm, Maybe "it" and "Screen" ... |
Submitted by Sasha
at 6/1/2008 7:11:13 PM| Katherine: in one short sentance, YES, Ms. Schori-Jefferts is not the sock-puppet but the EVIL MISTRESS of TEO!!! Bruno et al may have intended her to be their sock-puppet (just as Kámjeñev and Zinóviev may have intended Stáljin to be, in order to stop Tróckiy from succeeding Ljéñin on his death); however, she has proven otherwise just as that arch-monster Stáljin did... |
Submitted by Bill (not IB)
at 6/1/2008 7:54:23 PM| Sasha, This is said facetiously (and yet seriously), my brother, so understand that I'm not really disagreeing with you - KJS IS the sock-puppet. Her words and actions smell like dirty socks, and she is being manipulated by the master of human marionettes, Beelzebub. Sasha - All my best to you in our one, true Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that sometimes sarcasm can fail to be seen as such, so a foreword seemed in order. ;-) |
Submitted by LP
at 6/1/2008 8:55:03 PM| AllanLewis -- Are you saying my double espresso is unworthy?!! But... but... but... I'd shrivel up and die without it!
:-) |
Submitted by Paula Loughlin
at 6/1/2008 10:15:05 PM| It's the Sock Puppet Of The Apocalypse! |
Submitted by Daniel Muller
at 6/2/2008 9:23:06 AM| Is this sockpuppalyptic literature?
The world will not end in a bang, but with a sock puppet. Sic transit gloria mundi. |
Submitted by Antique
at 6/2/2008 9:42:42 AM| Shouldn't that be Religion & Ethics News Weakly |
Submitted by Gregg the Obscure_
at 6/2/2008 10:21:14 AM| "Lesbian
Bisexual
Gay
Transgender
PolyAmorous
PolyGamist
Bestial
Incestuous
Youthful
Necrophiliac
Artificial
Mechanical" They'll probably substitute various euphemisms for "Bestial", "Incestuous" and "Necrophiliac", just as they've euphemized other terms. "Trans-species", "intrafamilial" and "trans-thanatic" would be my guesses, but then again, they may again use completely unrelated adjectives like "pleasant". |
Submitted by Alice C. Linsley
at 6/2/2008 12:18:24 PM| That was better than a double mocha espresso and 2 shots of Kentucky's finest bourbon! Whoa, baby, you nailed it! : ) |
Submitted by Fuinseoig
at 6/2/2008 2:05:31 PM| "Inter-generational" rather than "inter-familial", surely. That also has the advantage of applying to paedophilia - sorry, I meant 'Youthful' - and so covers two paraphilias in one, reducing the size of the acronym. And wouldn't polygamy and polyandry be subsumed into polyamorous? And can't both 'artificial' and 'mechanical' be lumped together? See how we advance in our understanding! We've got it down to LBGTPTIThM (Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Polyamorous Transpecies Intergenerational Transthanatic Mechanical)! |
Submitted by Fuinseoig
at 6/2/2008 2:12:00 PM| Mmmm - need to work on the acronym some more. Got transgender, transpecies, and transthanatic, which is too many trans. Could be confusing. Replace 'bestiality' with 'transpecies' with 'zoophiliac'? Yeah, that's better. It's about loving all of Creation, acknowledging that we are not the only inhabitants of this planet, forming bonds of affection with our fellow-creatures. So that gives LBGTPZIThM. Anyone got suggestions for 'mechanical'? That sounds so cold and uninvolved. There must be a better alternative to express the caring, joyful, life-enhancing contributions the non-organic world has made to our quality of life? |
Submitted by machina
at 6/2/2008 7:14:14 PM| Technophilial. That way, the puddles of ultraviolet-phorescent gunk on the floor in front of the desktops of 40-year-old virginal internet sex addicts who get off on sites glorifying women who love Sawzalls become sacremental. |
Submitted by Fuinseoig
at 6/3/2008 5:25:09 AM| Mmm - that would give LBGTPTIThT, which might make the acronym more pronounceable, but which would make you sound like you were blowing a raspberry with all those terminal Ts. Maybe it'd just be easier to define it as NH (Non-Heterosexual)? Which would also have the added bonus of being readily adaptable to NH (Non-Hater) - can't you just imagine being asked "Are you H or NH? H? You Hater!" |
Submitted by nolongeranepiscopalian
at 6/3/2008 7:15:22 AM| "And Stacy, how in the world do you manage your duties there in Lexington..." There's not much left of the diocese of Lexington to take care of, leaving sock puppets with lots of free time to travel to other dioceses to check out the property disputes. |
Submitted by Peter C.
at 6/4/2008 12:05:57 AMJust one question -- why wasn't Vicky Gene along to ask if he could have a turn at operating the sock puppet? >groan< That depends, LP. Either, a) VG's a pitcher who tends to utilize the “no hands” method of sock puppet control, or b) VG's a catcher and enjoys being the sock puppet. You know what they say; you know you're in trouble during your prostate exam when you feel the doctor's hands resting on both your shoulders. |
Submitted by Christopher Johnson
at 6/4/2008 12:17:20 PM| I don't want to pull rank or anything but as a veteran of one of these, the finger you-know-where is nowhere near the most disturbing thing that can happen in a urologist's office. |