THE MCJ

Just FYI.

Piskie sez: Have you taken your loyalty oath today?

Practical reasons why sporks (spoon and fork on opposite ends) won't work:

How uncouth.

The end not in use at the moment will smear food on our sleeves, thus increasing dry-cleaning bills.

You can't palm the spoon end and extend your fingers down the length of the spork while holding your food with the fork end to be cut with a knife. You've seen those morons at the restaurant, haven't you? You know, the ones who fist their hands around their fork handles, holding the fork perpendicular to their arm rather than an extension of it, while cutting their Filet Mignon? Do you really want to look like that? Really?

Sporks are too heavy to hang from the nose. For men, this could be a hazardous activity.

There's a certain canter-lever balance to be achieved in using spoons as musical instruments. Adding a fork to the opposite end will be the death knell for this refined and globally cherished instrument.

I'm not sure, but I think a spork might be a sexual device used in closets by repressed transubstantiated intergenerational polyglotinous lazyboys or something. It's probably part of their political agenda to make the rest of us accept them as they are and stop calling them sinners. Never use a spork. You can't tell where it's been.

It don't sound 'Merican to me, Chris. I'm agin it.

Far too dangerous for egg races.

"Stick a spork in it, it's done" just doesn't work for some reason.

Spork rhymes with dork and that's just what you are if you actually know where to buy one of these, let alone own one.

On the plus side, children in school cafeterias will have a heyday with their peas and over-boiled carrots. Spoons never were very good as high-lob launch vehicles. Only the fork would do because it didn't wobble to either side as you slammed your fist onto the tines. The fork was eminently aimable. But the main problem with the fork was its thin end, thus limiting the amount of ammo you could load at one time. Just think what school cafeterias will be now that the spork solves this last remaining obstacle to serious food fights.

I'll have you know that I've been using sporks for years and they can be gotten free at Taco Bell in order to consume your Taco Salad.

Does this make Taco Bell a leader in the "green" movement? Hardly. It means they don't have to provide tree separate utensiles since their sport also contains a serrated edge on the left side of the spoon body, allowing it to be also used as a knife. I suspect the corporate savings in providing one utensile instead of three actually has nothing to do with green. Rather, it likely has more to do with the bottom line and keeping food prices reasonable.

Further, this utensile does not have a spoon on one end and a fork on the other. Rather, it has a spoon body with front prongs and the serrated edge.

In any case, KJS is behind the times. Technology passed her by and she missed it. I suspect this means she doesn't dine at Taco Bell. Good for Taco Bell

I suspose there are those who would challenge me on the identification of this utensil as a spork, since it is also a knife.

I would concede this to be a reasonable challenge. Therefore, it probably should be called something else..."sporkf?" "knoonork?" "forkknoon?"

Any suggestions?

Coming soon: Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Lost Spork.

dine at Taco Bell? DINE? :)

Yeah, OK, I know what a real spork is. That's not the untensil the Peebess described in the article. Part of the fun is pointing out the absurdities that show she is out of touch with the rest of the world.

I recall a branch manager at a business I was visting who had no idea what was in her office building or where to find it. She'd been there, so I was told, more than 10 years, yet she didn't know where the exits were, where to find the mail room, or how to get from one end of the building to another. The manager of the entire branch. For ten years. Can't find her way through the building.

During my consultation there, she escorted me through the building to inspect a few bits of networking hardware. She had to ask directions 3 times along the way. Heck, I'd never been there before but after the 1st person told us the directions I could have found the room on my own.

On the way back, she asked yet another employee, "How do I get out of here?"

The thought crossed my mind to say, "Just screw up one more time."

Just for the record, I've never cared for taco salads. That "edible" bowl is as tastey as shoveling fried flour into your mouth. Yech! Matzahs have more flavor. But to each his own, I suppose. Heck, I'm a bangers and mash fan and get some seriously long looks down noses when I order the dish. Which I eat with a fork and knife, thank you very much, and wouldn't darken the door of any pub that offered me a spork to eat with. Next thing you know they'll be offering patrons ale in paper cups.

re-usable grocery bags; But they ARE reusable. I reuse mine. They get used for ashes from the fireplace, fruit and veggie cut-offs from preparing dinner, tea leaves and coffee grounds, collecting those @#$%*! black walnuts from the yard every fall before cutting the grass and so on. If I didn't have those plastic bags from the grocery store I'd just have to, you know, BUY the bags from the shelves in the very same grocery store.

long-lasting light bulbs; Ummm, what am I missing? I thought green meant stop wasting eletricity. If you turn on only the lamps you need and turn them off when you don't need them, guess what? Your light bulbs last a long time. Ta-DAH! I think she mean energy-efficient bulbs, but I hate trying too hard to understand what the Purple Haze might actually mean at any one moment.

re-useable water bottles; Whew! Sorry, this one's over my head. I've never seen one that wasn't. Do they make water bottles that can't be refilled nor have their caps closed? What, is this like the boxed juices or something where it comes in a bottle with a membrane top that you pierce with a straw? I don't get this one at all, unless she means she wants water bottles that come with their own butlers who she can order to refill them and put them back in the fridge. Wherever the fridge is, but that's the butler's problem.

...wouldn't darken the door of any pub that offered me a spork to eat with. Next thing you know they'll be offering patrons ale in paper cups.

How gauche!

Just the way I feel about this Nattering Enviro-Nazi Nanny, faux bishop Katrharine Jefferts Schori! She is becoming a real nagger and a pain in the tuches! She has turned into a full-blown panentheist with this Mother Gaia kick that she is on.

Each time she opens her mouth she proves just how much of a heretic and pagan she really is!

"Yeah, OK, I know what a real spork is. That's not the untensil the Peebess described in the article. Part of the fun is pointing out the absurdities that show she is out of touch with the rest of the world."

Agreed "That "edible" bowl is as tastey as shoveling fried flour into your mouth."

True--unless you've seasoned it with enough hot sauce and salsa that you can't taste the bowl. There is an art to making this stuff palatable.

"I'm a bangers and mash fan and get some seriously long looks down noses when I order the dish." I can accept bangers and mash. However, I prefer Sherherd's Pie which could be easily handled with a spork. In fact, a spork might be the ideal tool for that dish.

"Next thing you know they'll be offering patrons ale in paper cups."

Once again, I agree. But, I would submit that ale in a paper cup is better than no ale at all.

In all seriousness. A long time ago(40+ years) I was an avid backpacker. Weight was a major consideration. A spork saved the weight of two other utensils(two or three ounces each). Since we always carried sheath knives for their utility, the spork's knife edge was not a critical requirement. But, for eating, I always felt more comfortable using the spork's knife rather than using the sheath knife which had skinned snakes and cleaned fish, even though it had been thorouoghly cleaned.

Further, the spork was able to handle freeze- dried porkchops and freeze-dried macaroni with meat sauce without difficulty.

I still have my 40+ year-old stainless steel spork among my camping gear and it gets used occasionally. It was, and I suppose still is, an essential tool for backpackers but I would never suggest it for every day use by everyone as been suggested by her majesty, the queen of TEO.

I did not read her majesty's treatise as I should have done in order to have engaged in this conversationk but I have reached the point that I find her pontifications so ludicrous and so strange that I usually avoid them en toto.

To that end, real ecosystem damage looks like this. Inconvenient for the left, no doubt. Also a perfect metaphpor for EO: a creature that once served as a sacred symbol ends up perverted beyond recognition by immersion in a polluted environment.

I too am puzzled by this reference. Inspired transportation maybe?? Or perhaps you just stand around praying, and transport to your desired destination will just "transpire".

Ice cream fork? Nay, the spork is “the greatest gastronomic invention since lickable wallpaper.” You must be thinking of the grapefruit spoon.

At yesterday's Earth Day ceremonies, the Fuhrer of the Episcopal Organization made a startling announcement. Our reporter was able to catch up with her today for a phone interview on our weekly radio show about the Episcopal Organization's latest new policy. The transcript follows.

 
GR: Good morning, Dr. Schori, it's a pleasure to speak with you.

KJS: Good morning, Alice. And it's "bishop" Schori. But call me Kathy. I'm so pleased to be able to give an interview to an environmentally-conscious publication like your own.

GR: Thanks very much, ah, Kathy. So, you made a rather startling announcement on Earth Day yesterday; would you care to tell us about it?

KJS: I'm not sure it's really that startling, Alice. Certainly we think it makes a lot of sense. But, yes, I took the opportunity of that address to announce that the Episcopal church would be replacing Easter with Earth Day as its high holy day after General Convention 2009.

GR: Could you tell us why your organization has chosen to make this break with tradition?

KJS: We in the Episcopal church have never felt it a good idea to be shackled by "tradition". We need to be forward-looking and progressive to stay relevant to today's society, not held back by out-of-date superstitions or practices. Why, if we listened to "tradition" all the time, we wouldn't be able to ordain women, marry homosexual couples, or permit laity to administer communion. Heck, we'd have to defrock over 90% of our bishops and clergy, myself included! Obviously, that's just not reasonable or practical in the 21st century... not if we wish to stay competitive in a shrinking market.

GR: So how do you see this change in the liturgical year as being helpful to your organization?

KJS: Well, Alice, the traditional "Easter" celebration has always been inherently exclusive. In so many ways, it tells people that they aren't welcome... and that just isn't the Christian message.
      First, of course, Easter is based on a silly non-scientific myth that someone actually rose from the dead. That belief right there is offensive to the modern mind. Certainly, we've been teaching our seminarians for decades now that no such thing ever really happened, and I can assure you that very few of our bishops or other leaders actually believe such nonsense, but the popular impression of Christianity -- due in large part to the kind of ignorant fundamentalism with which many people associate the religion -- remains that we still believe such patently obvious nonsense. And our continued prioritizing of Easter lends itself to that mistake. So one reason for the change was to try to correct that impression -- to make it clear that we in the Episcopal church, unlike those groups which teach a physical resurrection, welcome those who do not chose to leave their brains at the door.
      Secondly, Easter has always been, at its heart, a spring solstice ceremony. It's well known, after all, that many Easter customs were just adaptions of traditional pagan practices. By shifting our high holy day to Earth Day, we are, thus, preserving the essential meaning and lessons of easter -- that is, a celebration of the earth, new life, and spring time.
      Thirdly, we know that the heart of the real Christian message as a whole also isn't beliefs or doctrines or creeds; it is to care for and tend our planet Earth, and gather together around a table of organically grown produce. Why, isn't the first charge that God gives humanity -- in the well-known Garden of Eden fable -- that they should tend the earth? It's in turning away from this common charge to humanity -- in breaking away from their environmentally-conscious polytheistic Canaanite brethren -- that the Judeo-Christian tradition first set itself on the path that has caused pollution, global warming, third-world economic crises, cow flatulence, and McDonald's. That's the real symbolic meaning of the "apple" in the Eden story, after all -- eating it shows their thoughtless exploitation of the bounties of nature for their own selfish ends, and that's how they lost the Garden. By replacing Easter with Earth Day in our liturgical calendar, we are announcing to the world that we have perceived and overcome this long tradition of environmental rape and that we have returned to a more authentic, gaia-centered worship.
      In fact, in our forthcoming new Prayer Book -- which will now finally be able to take these transformations into account -- we hope to introduce liturgical elements and practices from not just ancient Canaanite ceremonies, but also from Druidic, Wiccan, and other eco-conscious religious traditions. The implications for liturgical garb alone are very exciting: why, I have here in front of me even as we speak a proposed loin-cloth, torque and head-dress combination which looks quite promising!      

So we very much hope that, through these changes, more and more people will come to recognize that the Episcopal church is an opening and welcoming place, not one shackled to ancient superstitions or practices, and that all are welcome to come worship with us.

GR: Including traditional Christians?

KJS: Well, obviously not them... I mean, part of our message is that all are welcome to contribute to the offering pl... er, I mean, to sit at our table, regardless of belief, sexual orientation or activities, and so forth. We are an inclusive church where everyone is welcome -- so obviously those who are exclusive or have different beliefs must be driven out of our organization. I mean, how else could we be a welcoming place?

GR: Some have suggested that by changing its emphasis in this way, your organization may actually be losing ground. I mean, hasn't the membership of your group shrunk more on the last decade than any other denomination?

KJS: Oh, that's really a false impression. Sure, we're in a period of demographic shift. But as our culture comes to recognize the true nature of the Episcopal church, we hope to get more and more homosexual couples and college-brainwash.. er, I mean, -educated liberal young people. And though it's true that our eco-conscious membership knows better than to have children -- or no more than one at most -- out of respect for the planet, the expected influx of new parishoners will certainly offset this decline in family attendance. And as more and more of our urban parishes start to offer our new "Martini Eucharists" on Saturday evenings -- which will feature low lights and comfortably padded pews as well as the martinis -- we expect to see yet another significant upsurge in attendance.
      Anyway, the Episcopal church even now measures 2.2 million members, and that's nothing to sneeze at.

GR: Isn't it true that the number of people actually attending -- the "average sunday attendance" as it's called -- is more like 700 thousand?

KJS: Really, Alice, you do need to check your background information better. ASA is notoriously hard to estimate. Besides, it really doesn't matter how often people come to church every single Sunday -- I mean, we don't believe in forcing anyone to do anything they're not comfortable with -- what matters is simply their affiliation with and contribution to our church. No, our official membership rolls say 2.2 million, and so that must be the proper number.

GR: Sorry, Kathy, I'm sure you're right. But it is well-known that some people have left your organization in recent years over its abandonment of what might be called "traditional" or "historic" or "creedal" Christianity, true? Do you have any concern that this latest change -- replacing Easter with Earth Day -- might lose more members?

KJS: Oh, sure, there are a few individuals here and there who have left the church lately. But it really is a vanishingly small number -- only about 1% of the whole membership. It's just that they make a lot of noise in the press and on the internet, and that blows their actual size or significance way out of proportion. And while individuals can leave, no parish or diocese can -- so I'm happy to say that not a single parish has left the Episcopal church for nearly 30 years!
      As for the effects of this new liturgical development -- well, really, Alice, all you need to do is look at the history of the church over the last 30 years to see that very few people will leave over it. I mean, in 1962 we made clear that bishops no longer needed to believe in Christianity when the House of Bishops chose not to censure bishop Pike. Very few people left. In 1979 we retroactively accepted the 11 women who had been ordained to the priesthood (contrary to our 1976 ruling) and in doing so we abandoned what might be called the "traditional" or "catholic" notion and the practice of the so-called "apostolic succession" for the sake of our social justice concerns. Very few people left. In 2003 we made it quite clear that, regardless of what other Anglican churches in some backwards third-world countries might do, we intended to welcome homosexual people and their relationships into full participation in the Episcopal church's sacramental and ministerial life. And still, very few people left -- as I said, less than 1%.
      Sure, some of the unenlightened grumbled a bit, not being quite ready for this obvious next step in the transformation of the Episcopal church into the inclusive and welcoming place it is today, but, as you know, when "push came to shove" and the so-called "Windsor" bishops and parishes had to actually make a choice, nearly all of them remained faithful to the institution.
      You see, by far and away the vast majority of Episcopalians really don't care what their institution teaches or practices -- as long as they get to go to a familiar building, see their friends, sing some well-known hymns, and get a nice spread at coffee hour... that's all they really care about. After all, very few people are theologians, right? The church is about fellowship and community, about breaking multi-grain organic bread together, not about doctrines or beliefs. We can have different interpretations or perspectives but still share the same table, just like any family.
      So, no, I really don't expect this change to alienate our existing membership -- but I do expect it to show the world what a welcoming and environmentally-friendly organization we are and attract many new contribut... er, members.
      Out of respect to our more "conservative" members, we certainly will continue to offer the old-style traditional Rite II ceremonies in our larger parishes, and we'll keep having celebrations on Easter of course. But, increasingly, our liturgical focus -- through the Stations of the Millenium Development Goals, our liturgies celebrating abortions (which, after all, reduce the surplus population), the Blessing of Love-Companion Animals, and above all our High Holy Earth Day -- will increasingly shift to match the beliefs we have been teaching in our seminaries and preaching in our pulpits for the last several decades. After all, it's an ancient axiom of the church that "as people pray, so they believe"... so it makes sense to keep changing our prayers to match the new beliefs we are presenting.

GR: I know that your organization contributes finanically to the MDGs... do you forsee an increase in donations to eco-conscious organizations like Green Peace?

KJS: Oh, well, we certainly hope that will come to be the case. To tell the truth, we're a little strapped for cash at the moment because of the legal fees forced upon us to prevent a handful of parishes from trying to steal properties and assets which rightly belong to the Episcopal church. But as soon as those are resolved, we'll be able to streamline our operation by consolidating various parishes and dioceses and by selling off some of those older properties, especially those in urban areas (where the local population tends to be both poorer and more conservative and thus less likely to help contribute to our goals). This will generate quite a nice windfall for us... and I'm hopeful that, once we've paid off legal expenses and put some away for our anticipated pension fund needs, we'll be able to start giving 0.5% to 0.7% of our net profit to environmental causes, matching our contribution to the blessed MDGs.

GR: And where do you think all this will lead your organization in coming years?

KJS: Oh, well, I really wouldn't want to try to predict. We've started to have some very promising ecumenical discussions with certain other religious denominations -- the Reformed Druids of North America or the Covenant of the Goddess for example -- but those are in their early days and I wouldn't want to speculate on the future.
      No, right now my focus is on my duties as presiding bishop -- to preach on environmentalism and green living, to work for social justice and the inclusion of all people regardless of belief or sexual orientation, to continue to advertise what a welcoming place the Episcopal church is, and, of course, to spearhead the effort to remove from the church the few remaining hold-outs of "traditional" or "orthodox" belief which persist in objecting to the new thing to which the spirits are leading us. Believe me, that's more than enough for me to worry about right now!

GR: [laughs] I can certainly appreciate that, Kathy! Well, I see our time is nearly up, so I want to thank you for speaking with us... and, especially, for your continued commitment to environmentalism and the green cause.

KJS: Oh, you're quite welcome. And, don't forget, you're always invited to come break bread with us!

GR: Thanks Kathy. Chelsae and I usually sleep in on Sunday mornings since our coven meetings often run late on Saturday nights, but we'll certainly bear it in mind.

KJS: Well, you're always more than welcome... because the Eco-piscopal Church is a welcoming place! Shalom!

GR: That was Dr. K. J. Schori, presiding administrator of the Episcopal church.

END

"We are proud to report that more and more Episcopalians are reducing greenhouse gases by leaving their cars in their garages on Sunday mornings."

Funny, every single spork I've ever seen was disposable and made out of plastic, which kind of defeats the point of Ms. Schori's "green" message.

Does anyone actually own a spork that's made of metal, and wash-and-reuse-able? Does such a beast actually exist? Until I see it for myself (links to photographic evidence would be acceptable), I will not believe in its existence.

- Robin "Call me Thomas" Munn